"Brownies and Milk" |
The Recording Script
Scene I. Apartment
Written and directed by Tony Pagel. Produced by Christopher Bahn. Copyright 1996.|
Episode 27 (1997 Edition) of the radiodrama series Where Threads Come Loose
Originally broadcast on KUOM-AM July 1995.
Chad: Johnny Smokes
Kyle: Adam Pagel
Drunk: Will Seng
Brownie, Exterminator, the Roach Gods: Tony Pagel
This episode requires little in the way of background explanation, but I will point out that Tony and I launched Threads after sitting next to each other in a folklore class at the University of Minnesota. Christopher Bahn
(SFX: Television show, preferably a sitcom)
Chad: Hey, Kyle. Pass the chips.
Kyle: Here you go. (SFX: bag crumple, the two munch most heartily)
Chad: So what's this show about, anyway?
Kyle: Well, it's kind of about these three guys who all live in an apartment. And then all sorts of weird things happen to them and their always getting into adventures.
Chad: Oh. That sounds interesting.
Chad: Wait a minute. Aren't midterms this week?
Kyle: Yeah, I think so. Maybe we should be studying.
Chad: I guess so. But I just don't have the energy. In fact, I don't have the energy to do anything.
Kyle: I know what you mean. All I've done this week is watch TV and sleep. Oh, and eat.
Chad: Yeah, eating is important.
Kyle: But even if I wanted to study, I can't.
Chad: Why not?
Kyle: I can't find my notes. I left them on the hall table a couple of days ago, and now I can't find them. I guess they're lost.
Chad: That's too bad.
Kyle: Tell me about it. I've got this midterm in Folklore sometime soon and I haven't even tried to read the book. I just go to lecture and hope I can pick up some of the more important stuff. If I could find the notes I took, I might have a chance to pull off a C. I just need a chance to sit back and let the knowledge flow. You know, have some chips and relax. You might think this sitcom is funny, but the show that's on after it is even funnier. Now for a foamy cold beer. (SFX: paper rustles) Uh, I just put the six pack down around here somewhere. Have you seen it?
Chad: No. But I see a lot of other stuff just lying around.
Kyle: I can't find it man. There's a whole lot of paper and stuff around here. Hey, here's my yo-yo! I thought I lost that after that night with Kelly...uh, I mean...Wow! My yo-yo!
Chad: How long have you been sitting here?
Kyle: I dunno. Probably about four hours. But there was a break where I went to get that six pack.
Chad: So you just put the six pack there a little while ago.
Kyle: I know, I know. It should be right here. It's just too messy in here for me to find it.
Chad: Alright, that's it!
Kyle: What's it?
Chad: This is the last straw. I wasn't sure how long we could go on like this, but today is the last day.
Kyle: What are you talking about?
Chad: Look around you. We're living in a sty, Kyle! No wonder you can't find a six-pack in all this. You can barely get into the room!
Kyle: Hey, chill for a second man. That little vein in your forehead is throbbing.
Chad: No I won't chill! If it was just this room, maybe I could understand. But it's the whole apartment. It's hard to open the front door anymore because of all the trash laying around in the hall. How long has it been since we cleaned this place up?
Kyle: I don't know. What month is it?
Chad: Why is it that we can't get this place liveable? Are we that busy? Huh? Tell me that, Kyle! Are we too busy?
Kyle: Well, maybe you are, but I myself have a lot of free time. I guess you could say...Whoa, Chad man. That vein looks like it's gonna blow.
Chad: Ooooh! Have you been in the kitchen lately? Have you?
Kyle: Well, now that you mention it, no. I used to all the time, but after a while I noticed weird things going on in there. I think the roaches have taken over. They might want us to worship them as gods. I don't know.
Kyle: They've built a colony in the dishes piled in the sink. I'm afraid to go in there.
Chad: Well why didn't you do something about it earlier? Why didn't WE do something about it?
Kyle: I don't really know. The time just kind of slipped by. I didn't notice the apartment getting like this. I was doing things. What about you?
Chad: Hey, don't lay this at my feet. I've been busy too. I'm not trying to blame anyone, I just want to know how we can clean this place up.
Kyle: I don't know about you, but I'm not going to wade into this mess. I've got a lot of stuff to do.
Chad: Me too. (pause) Maybe we could hire a maid service.
Kyle: Hey, you mean like a topless maid service?
Chad: No, a regular maid service. One that would sweep up the mess and maybe do some large-scale reconstruction on the place.
Kyle: Yeah, and maybe they could pull down the false roach idols in the kitchen. I'd do it myself, but I'm afraid of divine retribution.
Chad: Yes, I think a maid service is the way to go.
Kyle: How much would something like that cost?
Chad: I don't know. Maybe 25 dollars and hour?
Kyle: Whoa! That's way too much. We have a hard time making rent as it is.
Chad: You've got a point there. Well what are we going to do? It looks like we're going to have to clean the apartment ourselves.
Kyle: Say it ain't so!
Chad: There's no way around it. I'll go out and buy some equipment: soap, disinfectant, steel wool. The works.
Kyle: Wait. I've got an idea. But I need my notes from Folklore. Help me find them, Kyle.
Chad: Why do we need your notes?
Kyle: Less talk, more looking. (SFX:assorted searching sounds)
Chad: What do they look like?
Kyle: They're in a green note book with "Folklore" written on the front. There's also some drawings of Barney on the cover.
Kyle: It's a long class, man. Here they are!
Chad: So what's the plan?
Kyle: Okay, let me turn to the section. (SFX: papers turn) Here's the plan. There's an old legend about elves from the British Isles.
Kyle: Hold on. A caper of this magnitude requires a lot of build up. Okay, so according to the myths, there's a lot of little creatures called fairies and...
Chad: Yeah, fairies. I know all about them. Pointy ears, little caps, pots of gold.
Kyle: Oh, okay. I'll skip over that. Anyway, there's a class of fairies called brownies. They're little household sprites who do odd jobs like chasing away mice. If you're nice to them, they've been known to clean up the house and fix your shoes.
Chad: So what. That's a myth, Kyle. We've got a real apartment with a real mess. It's going to take real effort to clean it up, and that's what we should do.
Kyle: Hear me out. All you have to do to get the brownies to help out is leave them a bowl of milk to drink during the night. They drink the milk and then clean up the house in return.
Chad: Are you suggesting we leave a bowl of milk out overnight in hopes that some pixies will crawl out of the woodwork and vacuum the apartment?
Kyle: They're called brownies and yes, I think we should give it a try. All we'll lose is a bowl of milk and maybe not even that if they don't come.
Chad: That is probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I say we do it ourselves. Listen, I've got to go to the computer lab and type up a paper. It's going to take most of the night but when I come back in the morning, I'll have a bunch of cleaning supplies. You'd better be here to help or there's going to be trouble.
Kyle: But what about the brownies?
Chad: Forget about the brownies! Look, I'm going. Just be here when I get back, okay?
Kyle: Okay. See you later.
Chad: Bye. (SFX: door open/close)
Kyle: I'll show him. It can't hurt to leave out the milk. I think there's a carton in the fridge and I can get a bowl from the kitchen...Oh wait. What about the roach gods? (pause) I guess I'll just have to risk it. (SFX: fridge door opens) Here's the milk, and it's still good. Now for the bowl. (takes a deep breath) Aaargh! Away with you, roach spawn! I only need a bowl! Aaargh! Whew! Okay. Now I just clear a space on the floor and put out the milk. (SFX: milk pours) Let's just see what happens.
Scene II. Apartment-the next day
(SFX door open/close)
Chad: Hey, Kyle! I'm home! I've got the soap! Get up and...What the...?
Kyle: Hey, Chad! What do you think?
Chad: It's amazing! Did you do all of this last night? I didn't mean for you to do all the cleaning yourself. I said I'd be back this morning to help.
Kyle: Hey, it's alright Chad. I didn't do any of this.
Chad: Wow, we have hardwood floors. I didn't know that.
Kyle: Yeah. The brownies did a great job. They took out the recycling and everything.
Chad: The who?
Kyle: The brownies. I put out the milk after you left last night and went to bed. When I got up, the brownies had cleaned the place up. They waxed the floor, dusted the cupboards and even destroyed the temple of the roaches.
Chad: Oh come on. You must have done all this. There are no brownies.
Kyle: Shh! Don't say things like that. You'll hurt their feelings.
Chad: This is stupid. There's no way that could have worked.
Kyle: I'm telling you the truth, man. I didn't do anything but put out a bowl of milk. They did the rest. Look, they even fixed my shoes!
Chad: But that's impossible! There's got to be some other explanation for this.
Kyle: You want more proof? Take a look at this.
Chad: It's an empty bowl, what about it?
Kyle: It wasn't empty when I went to bed. It was full of skim milk.
Chad: Hey, that was my milk!
Kyle: It's a small price to pay for a cleaning like this. The brownies even found six cases of empties to return to the liquor store. We're rich!
Chad: Can I sit down? I'm not feeling well.
Kyle: Sure. The brownies recovered the chair we had in the corner of the living room.
Chad: We had a chair there?
Kyle: Yeah. It was covered with old newspapers and blankets. I remember it being blue, though. The brownies must have reupholstered it.
Chad: Oh, my head.
Kyle: That vein's pumping again, Chad.
Chad: Okay. Now this isn't some elaborate practical joke is it? You're not trying to drive me out of the apartment by making me nuts are you?
Kyle: Hey man, I like you. This nice clean apartment is complements of the brownies for our generosity. And they work for milk! How can we lose?
Chad: I guess you're right. I hate to admit it, but you're right. Do we have to leave them milk every night?
Kyle: Yeah. And we shouldn't be too messy every day. I figure that if we do some of our own cleaning and let the brownies take care of the heavy stuff, we can get by with maybe a half gallon a week.
Chad: Wow. Let me put these cleaning supplies in the kitchen and then we can return those empties.
Kyle: Cool. You'll like what they've done the place.
Chad: Oh my God! The roaches have been cast down! Long live the brownies!
Scene III. Apartment-a week later
Chad: 'Morning, Kyle.
Kyle: What? Oh yeah, 'morning.
Chad: What's up? You look weirder this morning than usual.
Kyle: Well, the brownies cleaned up last night after we made those tacos.
Chad: As well they should. We've been paying them good milk this week to make sure they do. Where did they put the cereal?
Kyle: In the right hand cupboard. Where was I? Oh yeah, like I said, they cleaned up the apartment as usual.
Chad: So why the face?
Kyle: They drank the milk like always, but there was a piece of paper next to the empty bowl.
Chad: That's new. What does it say?
Kyle: It says, "If you guys are going to be slobs, we want some overtime. It's 2% or nothing."
Chad: What! Those ingrates. 2% costs 6 cents more a gallon!
Kyle: So are we gonna give it to them?
Chad: I guess we have to. They've got us over a barrel, the little thieves.
Kyle: We can pick some up at the store when we go for the supplies.
Chad: What supplies?
Kyle: Did I forget to tell you? Oh man. I cashed in those empties the brownies found. It came to quite a chunk of change, I must say. Anyway, now that the apartment's finally clean, I decided that we haven't thrown a party in a long time. I thought we'd use the money from the empties to have ourselves a little wing-ding.
Chad: That sounds like a fine suggestion. What day were you planning it for?
Kyle: Um, tonight.
Chad: Whoa, that doesn't give us much time. We'd better hoof it to the store and get us a mess of munchies!
Kyle: And 2% milk.
Chad: Oh yeah, can't forget the milk.
Scene IV. Party!
(SFX: Really loud music, obnoxious party goers, breaking stuff)
Chad: HEY KYLE!
Chad: I SAID, 'HEY KYLE'!
Kyle: OH, I CAN'T HEAR YOU TOO WELL OVER THE PARTY, MAN!
Chad: I KNOW! IT'S GETTING KIND OF OUT OF CONTROL, DON'T YOU THINK?
Kyle: I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE. BUT WE'RE HOSTING THE SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON, MAN. WE CAN'T STOP NOW.
Chad: BUT THOSE GUYS FROM THE BIKER GANG ARE CARVING UP THE FLOOR!
Kyle: CHAD, IF WE CUT THE PARTY SHORT, THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN. BESIDES, I'M HAVING A PRETTY GOOD TIME!
Chad: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MESS? I'M NOT SURE THE BROWNIES ARE GOING TO BE TOO HAPPY, EVEN WITH THE 2% RAISE.
Kyle: I GET YOU. TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL PUT OUT TWO BOWLS OF MILK INSTEAD OF ONE. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH PAYMENT FOR THE HASSLE, DON'T YOU THINK?
Chad: OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT. THERE'S THIS REALLY CUTE GIRL THAT MIGHT NOT RUN SCREAMING FROM ME!
Kyle: GOOD LUCK, MAN! HEY, GONZO! SAVE SOME OF THAT ELECTRIC JELLO FOR ME!
Scene V: Aftermath.
Chad: Huh? What? Oh my head! I shouldn't have had all those fudge and whiskeys. Maybe there's some aspirin in the bathroom. (SFX: door open) What the...! KYLE!
Kyle: Huh? I'm up! I'm up! Don't sic the hounds on me, Mr. Clinton! Huh? Hey Chad, what's the problem? You shouldn't shout so loud after a party, man. My head's throbbing like a banshee.
Chad: Did you put the milk out?
Kyle: Huh? Oh yeah, the milk. Yeah, I put out two bowls last night behind the couch in the living room. What about it? Do they want whipping cream now or something?
Chad: Take a look around, Kyle.
Kyle: Okay. (pause) Hey, this place is a mess. What's going on?
Chad: I don't know, but I know how to find out. Show me where you put the milk.
Kyle: It was in the living room, like I said. Come on. I filled the bowls right up to the rim, so they shouldn't have any reason to complain. Okay, right behind the couch here. Hey!
Chad: Who's that?
Kyle: I don't know. I thought we got everyone out of here last night.
Chad: Well wake him up. Maybe he knows what's going on.
Kyle: Hey! Hey man, wake up! Come on, man. Get up!
Drunk: Huh? Whuzzat? No, I don't want any dessert. Just the check, please.
Kyle: Get up! We've got some questions for you.
Drunk: Huh? Hey, where am I? This doesn't look like the co-op.
Chad: Listen pal, you're passed out in our apartment. Remember? You were here last night.
Drunk: Oh yeah, that party was something else, man. You guys really throw a mean bash. I don't think I've had that much to drink since, like, last week.
Chad: Never mind that. How long have you been there like that?
Drunk: Uh, I don't know. I must have been out since 2.
Kyle: Hey man, there were two bowls behind here when I went to bed last night. Have you seen them?
Drunk: Were they like cereal bowls?
Drunk: With Sesame Street characters on them?
Kyle: Those were the ones.
Drunk: Wow. You know, I always felt sorry for Cookie Monster, 'cause like he had this totally intense craving for cookies, right? Like a burning desire to chow down at the hollow tree, right? But like, when he got the cookies, he'd like, eat 'em real fast and the cookies would never go down his throat. It would just be crumbs by the time he got his hands on 'em.
Drunk: I guess the real problem was not that he wanted the cookies. The tragedy was in the fact that his mouth was just a cloth bag that didn't connect to his stomach.
Drunk: I mean should desire, Tantalus-like, be heaped upon the simple-minded head of a fuzzy puppet like some sort of metaphysical Carmen Miranda hat?
Chad: Hey! Just shut up for a minute!
Drunk: No need to shout, my man. I can hear just fine.
Chad: Okay. We need to know what happened to those bowls of milk we left behind the couch.
Drunk: That was milk?
Chad: What do you mean, was?
Drunk: Okay, here's the story. I got really sleepy after all those Velvet Hammers last night and I decided to lay down behind this couch to get some shut-eye. Around 3 I guess, I woke up and I had like the worst cotton mouth in the known universe.
Chad: Oh no.
Drunk: So I saw like these two bowls of something sitting on the floor and it looked drinkable, so I reached over and chugged one of them down.
Kyle: See Chad, it wasn't my fault.
Chad: Okay, okay. But there were two bowls there. Even if this moron drank one of them there was still the other one. Why didn't they just take the one and do their job?
Drunk: What are you two talking about?
Chad: Never mind. What happened to the other bowl?
Drunk: The other...Oh yeah! So I just slammed the bowl of milk and for a minute I felt better. I was going to go back to sleep, but then...
Chad: Yeah, then what?
Drunk: Oh this is so embarrassing. I'm totally ashamed here, man, but you've got to remember that I was drunk.
Drunk: I guess the milk just didn't sit well with all the booze in my stomach and I...
Chad: Oh no. You didn't.
Kyle: Didn't what?
Drunk: Yeah, I did.
Kyle: Did what?
Kyle: Where what?!
Drunk: Into the other bowl, man.
Chad: Oh my God...
Kyle: What are you taking about?
Chad: I can't believe it.
Kyle: Believe what?!? Will someone tell me what's going on?
Chad: He did the technicolor yawn.
Chad: He tossed his cookies, he blew chunks, he ralphed into the other bowl of milk, Kyle.
Kyle: Uh oh.
Drunk: Hey, I'm really sorry man. As soon as I find the bowls, I'll clean it all up.
Kyle: Forget it. We'll take care of it. Just go home man.
Drunk: Okay. I'm off. (pause) You know what's weird?
Drunk: While I was half asleep after I, uh, relieved myself, I had this strange hallucination. I had my head on the floor and all of a sudden this little man in a brown hat cam out from under the couch and looked into the bowl. I tried to warn him, but I guess I wasn't too clear. He like looked into the bowl and shouted. Then he went away. I guess I fell asleep for a while, 'cause when I opened my eyes again, there were a whole bunch of them running around the bowl and screaming. I was really afraid so I closed my eyes and don't remember anything until you guys woke me up. Pretty weird, huh?
Chad: Yeah. Weird.
Drunk: I guess I should lay off the sauce, huh?
Chad: Yeah, maybe you'd better.
Drunk: Okay. Well sorry about the mess guys. I hope you'll invite me to the next bash.
Chad: Yeah, we'll let you know.
Drunk: See ya! (SFX:door open/close)
Kyle: Well, now what do we do?
Chad: I guess we're going to have to clean it up ourselves.
Kyle: Say it ain't so, man.
Chad: It's so. You want the kitchen and bathroom or the living room?
Kyle: Uh, how about I take...hey! (SFX: ker-bonk sound).
Chad: What was that?
Kyle: It looks like a book. Somebody threw a book at me!
Chad: Hey, it's my copy of Atlas Shrugged. I've been looking for that.
Chad: Arrgh! (SFX: more thrown objects)
Kyle: Run for it!
Chad: Head for the front door!
(SFX: K & C scream and run for the door, door open/close)
Kyle: I guess the brownies are mad.
Chad: That much seems obvious. But what are we going to do about it?
Kyle: Hey! Wait a minute. I've got an idea!
Chad: Just what we need, another one of your stupid plans.
Kyle: No, this one's okay. We need to go to the hardware store, though.
Chad: Oh alright. What more have we got to lose.
Scene VI. Back from the Store.
Chad: This is your big plan? This is what is supposed to get us out of this mess?
Kyle: Yeah, man. We put the mousetrap on the floor in the living room and then hide in your bedroom. When a brownie comes to the trap, it snaps on him and then we're in business.
Chad: Okay. I have two questions for you.
Chad: One: How are you going to get the brownie to come to the trap? What's your bait?
Kyle: A piece of this candy bar, man.
Chad: What? Why would a brownie want a piece of candy bar?
Kyle: Hey. It's milk chocolate, man.
Kyle: I said, "it's milk chocolate, man".
Chad: I know, I know. I'm just digesting it.
Kyle: Hey, if you digest it, we can't put it in the trap.
Chad: Just put the stupid candy in the trap and let's get on with it.
Kyle: Okay. It's all set. Now to hide in your room.
Kyle: Oh, what was your second question, man?
Chad: What exactly are we going to do with the brownie when we catch him?
Kyle: Um, I don't know. Maybe we can interrogate him.
Kyle: I've got a little chair and a flashlight all set up for the grill session. I figure you can be the good cop and I'll be the bad cop. Now you're going to need a glass of milk.
Kyle: See what you do is say something like, "Boy I sure am thirsty and take a big gulp, right? And then you wipe off the extra milk on your lip 'cause it's hard to be an interrogator with a milk moustache. Then he'll be real thirsty and you say, "I bet you could use a drink". Then I knock the glass out of your hand and say, "Don't waste good milk on scum like that! Let me have a crack at him!" Then you hold me back and say, "You'd better talk! I can't control him when he's like this: a brownie offed his parents." And then I'll start frothing and stuff and then..."
Chad: Alright, enough. I can see you've been working on this. But I don't think we'll need the rough stuff today.
Kyle: Hey man, I'm the folklorist here! I know how sneaky these brownies can be and...
(SFX: mousetrap snap)
Kyle: We got him! Let's roll!
Brownie: Ouch! Hey! Let me out of here! You bums!
Kyle: See? He went for the chocolate hook, line and sinker. Now listen up, brownie. We know you're up to no good, so don't even try to give us a snow job.
Brownie: OW! You'd better let me out of this trap, or you're in for it!
Kyle: Oh yeah? Who's in the trap, punk? We'll make the threats around here!
Brownie: Threats!? Why you lousy, stinking....
Chad: Okay, hold it you two. Kyle, go sit down on the couch.
Kyle: But I'm the bad cop...
Chad: Sit down.
Chad: Now for you, brownie. We didn't mean to hurt you.
Brownie: Oh, I guess that would explain why you set out a dangerous trap instead of asking for talks. LET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU JERKS!
Chad: We'll let you go after you tell us what's going on around here.
Brownie: You can't figure that out yourselves? Boy you guys are dense.
Kyle: Let me pinch him, Chad.
Kyle: I'll make him talk. Please?
Chad: Why don't you explain it.
Brownie: It's simple: you two made a deal with us. You supply the milk, we supply the labor. You messed up and let that drunk moron ruin the milk. So the gist of it is, we're on strike.
Chad: Can't we make it up to you somehow?
Kyle: Hey Chad, don't cave in!
Chad: Stay out of it, Kyle.
Chad: What's it going to take, brownie?
Brownie: We've been talking it over. In order to straighten out this little dispute, it's going to cost you plenty. We want some major concessions.
Brownie: Whole milk. A half gallon every night.
Brownie: And Saturdays off.
Kyle: He's a crook, Chad. They're all crooks!
Brownie: Hey! Who were the slobs who were too feeble to clean up their own apartment? You broke the contract and now if you want to play, you've got to pay!
Chad: Suppose we don't feel like being blackmailed?
Brownie: It isn't blackmail, but if you mean you aren't going to put out the whole milk, we'll stay on strike indefinitely.
Chad: That's what I thought.
Brownie: And don't even think you'll get a moment's peace while we're on the picket lines.
Kyle: You talk pretty big for a munchkin caught in a mousetrap.
Brownie: What are you going to do, kill me? Ha! There's plenty more where I came from. I'm just a little cog in the machinery of the union. Go ahead, do your worst. I'm ready for your billy-clubs, you dirty screws!
Kyle: That's it! You're pushing my buttons, you pointy-capped pipsqueak! I'm going to open you up like a bottle of Old Milwaukee. What do you say to that?
Brownie: Just this. Get 'em guys!
(Assorted Brownie screams)
Kyle: Retreat! Retreat!
Chad: Head for the door!
Kyle: What are we gonna do now?
Chad: I guess negotiation is out. Even if we gave them what they wanted, we could never trust them again. Do you have any ideas? It was your brainstorm that got us into this mess.
Kyle: Uh, well, the folklore only tells you how to get the brownies to come. It's kind of hazy on how to get rid of them.
Chad: Maybe we'll have to move. I'm not sure I can take concentrated brownie wrath.
Kyle: Maybe we could call an exterminator.
Chad: What are we going to tell him? That there's a union of organized brownies that's taken over our apartment?
Scene VII. Outside the apartment.
Chad: And that's the whole story. They've set up a picket line in the living room.
Exterminator: Brownies huh? Yeah, they're tricky little buggers alright. We get a lot of complaints about them in this part of town.
Kyle: Really? I thought it was an original idea.
Exterminator: Oh no. I keep telling my superior that the folklore department at the university is more of a blessing than a curse. You tell some waste of space that they can get elves to clean their house and all of a sudden, you've got the heartbreak of brownies infestation.
Chad: So do you think you can get rid of them for us?
Exterminator: No problem. I've got my equipment right here with me. I'll go into the apartment and lock the door. Once I'm in there, don't open the door under any circumstances. I'll give you the all clear when it's finished.
Chad: Okay. You're the professional.
Exterminator: Here I go. (SFX: door open/close. The voices of E and the brownies are muffled, C and K are not)
Brownie: (collective) Hey hey, ho ho: dirty college scum have got to go!
Exterminator: (overly loud) THIS PLACE IS A MESS! HOW CAN ANYONE LIVE LIKE THIS? I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO PICK UP AROUND HERE.
Brownie: Hey, that guy's crossing the line!
Brownies (all): SCAB! SCAB! SCAB! SCAB!
Brownie: GET 'EM!
(incredible brownie/ext. violence for as long as if takes for the door to open)
Kyle: Uh, Chad?
Kyle: Do you think we should, uh, go help him or something?
Chad: He said not to go in.
Kyle: I know, but I mean, it is our fault this happened.
Chad: OUR fault?
Kyle: Okay, okay. My fault. But I feel pretty guilty just standing out here.
Chad: Well...(SFX: door opens)
Exterminator: Okay boys. It looks like you problems are over.
Exterminator: Yeah. I took 'em all on and put 'em in this bag.
Kyle: What are you going to do with them?
Exterminator: I take them back to the office and we send them somewhere.
Exterminator: This ice cream factory out in Montana.
Chad: What do they want with brownies?
Exterminator: Maybe they clean up the factory. Maybe they have a display set up. Or maybe they use them.
Kyle: Use them for what?
Exterminator: You know those new-fangled chunky ice creams? Like brownie chunk nut swirl?
Chad: You don't mean...
Chad: Good lord!
Exterminator: Well I'll be seeing you, boys. The bill will be in the mail.
Kyle: See ya.
Chad: Well that's over. Let's go take a look at the damage. (SFX: door open) Oh man!
Kyle: They trashed the place!
Chad: It's going to take forever to clean this place up.
Kyle: Hey, Chad.
Chad: What? Do you want to take the kitchen?
Kyle: No Chad. I've got another plan.
Chad: NO! No more of your idiotic plans! Haven't you caused enough trouble?
Kyle: But this one is sure to work. Just hear me out. In my folklore class, I learned about the Russian household gods called Banniks. They take care of the house and watch the livestock. I read that they're much less temperamental than brownies. So what we do is put out a dish of sour cream...
Chad: Shut up.
Kyle: But Chad...
Chad: Here's your broom. Go take care of the kitchen.