Where Threads Come Loose

Threads currently exists in two versions. The original series was produced from 1994 to 1997, and features 39 half-hour episodes. In 2001, we began remastering the old series, adding a new theme song, enhancing music and sound effects and doing other general improvements, and the resulting "Millennium Edition" is the new official version of the show. The first 18 remastered episodes are finished. The whole series is listed below, with the newest shows first and the original series after that.

New to the show? Try one of these first: The Sherlock Holmes stories "Spooky Zombies" and "Visible Man"; the Café Pathetique poets shows "Apartment of the Damned," "Perpetual Bile Machine" and "Lost Kafka Notebooks"; or "Brownies and Milk," "An Endearing Western" and "Paper Blizzard."

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Millennium Edition
18 episodes, 2001-beyond

Art by Audry Wolters
1: "Gummed Works" and "Drizzle"
A man hounded by life takes out his anger on the one thing that he thinks can't fight back—a gumball machine. Unfortunately for him, it can. Plus: Mr. T and Katharine Hepburn scorch up the screen in a scene from the long-lost disaster movie about very, very light rain.

2: "Jules and K: Heart of Darkness" and "Daves of Our Lives"
A pretentious coffeeshop poet is desperate to unlock the heart of poetry in his brain—so he hires a famous Arctic explorer, complete with sled dogs, to take a fantastic journey through his head. Plus: A brief excerpt of the world's most confusing soap opera, in which every character is named Dave.

3: "Frank's Esteemed Monster" and "The Wake-Up Service"
Victor Frankenstein's heir, living in surburbia and surrounded by pushy neighbors, takes revenge by building a monster in his garage, but gets more (well, less, actually) than he bargained for. Plus: Bob Miller thinks he's found the solution to his chronic oversleeping: Morning-Eez Wake-Up Service, three large men who break into clients' homes and forcibly drag them out of bed.

4: "16 Tons" and "Valentine's Day"
An old farmer claims that his wife's death—by pitchfork—was an accident, but his insurance company isn't so sure.

Art by Dan Grothe & Christopher Bahn
5: "Murflegurbin"
There is one word so powerful that simply to say it out loud would destroy the world. That word is, of course, "murflegurbin," which is lucky or the title of the episode wouldn't have made any sense. An ordinary man named Charles Xavier Finch is surprised to discover that he is the one foreordained to say that word—and especially surprised when a devil named B.L. Zebub pops up to tempt him into fulfilling his destiny.

6: "The Titanic Trio: Hero Worship"
The costumed superheroes of the Titanic Trio must defend Pretty Big City from the evil designs of Lit Crit and his nefarious cronies the Intelligentsia, not to mention Nickel Boy, whose plan to corner the world's supply of five-cent pieces is not so much evil as annoying.

7: "Thanatophile/Thanatophobe"
A woman is obsessed with the thought of dying, a man with the thought that he actually is Death. Is it a match made in heaven—or hell?

Art by Audry Wolters; background by Jason Sandberg
8: "Clean"
Kim Morgan scrubs and scrubs, but the dirt just won't come off. He's going to go a little bit crazy if, pretty soon, he can't... get... clean.

9: "Jules and K: Lunatic Fringe"
Cafe Pathetique is taken over by campus radicals—can Jules and K escape the violence inherent in all political upheaval, or will they have to move to another table?

10: "Sherlock Holmes and the Adventure of the Spooky Zombies"
The world's smartest detective runs into a situation almost beyond his own legendary intellect—a rampaging army of the dumbest walking dead in the world.

11: "Jules and K: Poetry Slamming"
A flying coconut at a Cafe Pathetique poetry slam causes something horrible to happen—Jules starts writing great poetry. Can he be stopped?

Art by Audry Wolters
12. The Christmas Show: "A Jules and K Christmas" and "'Til It Hurts"
When Jules' parents cut him off, he's forced to take a job as a department store Santa. Plus: A miser finds out the hard way why it's always good to give to those in need.

13-14: "The Red Tape Waltz: A Titanic Trio Epic!, Part I and Part II"
The Titanic Trio fights the nefarious evil of The Hassler and Nickel Boy—to uphold justice? To protect the innocent? Nah... just to register for some classes at Pretty Big City University.

15-16: "Jules and K: The Tussle With Corpuscle, Part I and Part II"
Jules and K are beset by their most dangerous enemies yet—quack psychiatrist Herr Professor Doktor Helmut Corpuscle and his partner-in-crime, the guffawing cult leader Reverend Jimmy Hornswoggle.

17-18: "Sherlock Holmes and the Very Incredible Case of the Visible Man, Part I and Part II"
Holmes and Watson must outwit a devious criminal mastermind whose discovery of the secret of invisibility allows him to jaywalk hundreds of times daily, in flagrant defiance of the law and standards of common decency.

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1997 Edition
39 episodes, produced on KUOM-AM (770 Radio K) between 1994 and 1997.

1: "Gummed Works" and "Drizzle"
See Millennium Edition episode 1, above.

2: "The Weird Obsessions" and "Blue Sunshine Cereal"
A savage satire on therapy culture set in the clinic of Herr Professor Doktor Helmut Corpuscle, who's fixated on "weird obsessions"—those horribly "perverted" addictions we all share for food, air and water. Plus, a commercial for the only cereal fortified with the body's daily requirement of lysergic acid diethalimide and nasty black things that the ingredients list says are marshmallows. Mmm, mmm, good.

3: "Jules and K I: Heart of Darkness" and "Daves of Our Lives"
See Millennium Edition episode 2, above.

4: "With Option To Buy" and "Amoebas Among Us"
A man's birthday becomes a voyage into terror when his lease on life runs out, literally—and the loan company shows up to repossess him.

5: "Identity Crisis"
Thanks to Lamont Van Helsing, gothic rockers are a dying breed. Lamont is convinced that he's the descendant of Dracula's nemesis and that those seemingly harmless Ann Rice fans really are vampires.

Art by Dan Grothe
6: "Frank's Esteemed Monster" and "The Wake-Up Service"
See Millennium Edition episode 3, above.

7: "16 Tons" and "Valentine's Day"
See Millennium Edition episode 4, above.

8: "Jules and K, Stanza II: Communication Breakdown" and "The Scary Monster That Scared People"
More wacky fun in Cafe Pathetique with Jules and K, bitter rivals and would-be versifiers.

9: "Murflegurbin" and "Inside Local Politics"
See Millennium Edition episode 5, above.

10: "You Are Welcome To Elsinore" and "Scotsmen and Penguins"
All hell breaks out in "Hamlet" when the Dane grows tired of his own play and hands over the title role to Vito Corleone from "The Godfather." Plus: The wigged-out adventures of a kilt-wearing cop and his partner/lover, the flightless waterfowl.

11: "The Titanic Trio: Hero Worship"
See Millennium Edition episode 6, above.

Art by Dan Grothe
12: "Thanatophile/Thanatophobe"
See Millennium Edition episode 7, above.

13: "The Babbler From Beyond"
Otis Torkelson's one to talk. And talk, and talk, and talk. But his neighbor is about to find out that the one thing worse than listening to Otis is trying to get him to shut up.

14: "Clean"
See Millennium Edition episode 8, above.

15: "Jules and K III: Lunatic Fringe"
See Millennium Edition episode 9, above.

16: "Sherlock Holmes and the Adventure of the Spooky Zombies"
See Millennium Edition episode 10, above.

17: "Jules and K IV: Poetry Slamming"
See Millennium Edition episode 11, above.

18. The Christmas Show: "A Jules and K Christmas" and "'Til It Hurts"
See Millennium Edition episode 12, above.

19-20: "The Red Tape Waltz: A Titanic Trio Epic!, Part I and Part II"
See Millennium Edition episodes 13-14, above.

21-22: "Jules and K VI: The Tussle With Corpuscle, Part I and Part II"
See Millennium Edition episodes 15-16, above.

23: "Hunting Season"
One by one, a group of deer hunters meets a grisly death. Worse, the killers vanish into the sky with a scream and a sulfurous crash. Can they discover who—or what—is killing them?

24: "A Long Hard Haul"
Private eye Winston Ashe, handed the screwiest case of a lifetime, soon discovers why the snappiest hard-boiled patter is found only in books.

25-26: "Sherlock Holmes and the Very Incredible Case of the Visible Man, Part I and Part II"
See Millennium Edition episodes 17-18, above.

27: "Brownies and Milk" and "On This Day In History"
Two lazy college slobs try to shirk their household cleaning chores by attracting Brownies with bowls of milk. Their plans go sour as the Brownies discover organized labor. Plus: 24 hours in the life of Abraham Lincoln that came nowhere near changing the world.

28: "Jules & K VII: The Perpetual Bile Machine"
The surly coffeeshop employee finds himself in hot water when he's kidnapped by a pair of geologists who hope to use his sarcasm as a source of inexhaustible energy.

29: "Titanic Trio III: The Lowest Form of Humor"
Our heroes face the awesome might of the Punster and his minion Rimshot. As if this weren't bad enough, Nickel Boy is back to wreak revenge on Pretty Big City's defenders of justice. Will they prevail? Take a guess.

30-31: "Jules & K VIII: Apartment of the Damned, Part I and Part II.
Dave and Jules are trapped into a horrible lease agreement by an unscrupulous landlord and a paranoiac who's taking a correspondence course in voodoo. Will they survive the unendurable onslaught of roommates from Hell?

32: "Damnation 101"
Three college kids kidnap their snooty professor and show him a darker side of the learning experience. But even the most carefully planned job can go horribly wrong.

33: "Jules & K IX: The Love Bloat"
K musters all his courage for the night of his life—his first date.

34: "An Endearing Western"
Ol' Granpa tells his grandbabies a western in the grand tradition of the tall tale. But Granpa's "true" story is taller than most. Listen along to the origin of the Jackalope, the ballad of Mean Mel and his Meltones, and find out why some bartenders are named Chewy.

35-38: "Jules & K X: The Lost Kafka Notebooks, Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV".
A mystic voice sends Jules and K on a quest to find the lost writings of the less-talented fourth cousin of Franz Kafka, Gunther. But unexpected roadblocks spring up, including a trio of murderous biker thugs. Can even Sherlock Holmes save the day?

39: "Paper Blizzard"
Megalith Incorporated is turned upside down when a lowly plebe discovers that spouting total gibberish puts him on the express elevator to the executive suites.

Other Threadsiana: the text of some promos we did for the show.