 | "Jules & K: The Tussle With Dr. Corpuscle, Part I and Part II"
The Recording Script
PART II
INTRODUCTION:
Announcer: Last time on Where Threads Come Loose—we met the villainous German psychiatrist Herr Professor Doktor Helmut Corpuscle, who narrowly escaped arrest for the murder and robbery of fifty-four of his patients when his office exploded and he mysteriously disappeared. Two months later, we met the singularly untalented poets Jules Hampton Sykes and K, who as always argued over the best way to write great verse about the terrible existential angst that plagues our society these days. On the theory that all great writing has been done by neurotic miserable wretches, Jules set off to find a psychiatrist to make him even more messed up than normal. He found a mysterious and sinister German psychiatrist named Herr Professor Doktor... John Smith. Meanwhile, K has been surrounded by a group of brainwashed, chanting cult members from the Fully Most Holy and Accredited Church of Free Thought, led by Reverend Jimmy Hornswoggle and his spiritual guru, a mysterious and sinister German psychiatrist known as the Great Masked Leader, whose true identity is concealed by the cunning papier-mache disguise he wears. So, in case there's anyone out there who can't see how this is going to turn out, let's rejoin the action in Cafe Pathetique where Reverend Jimmy is trying to convince K to drink from a strange bottle he's holding out, as we begin Part Two of ... "The Tussle With Dr. Corpuscle."
Art by Dan Grothe & Christopher Bahn |
SCENE IV AND A HALF: Cafe Pathetique
Cult members: (They chant "om")
Rev. Jimmy: So I say unto thee, Mr. K, the greatest gift of God to Man is encased in this bottle I hold in front of you, and I say it is your holy duty to take this beverage and imbibe thereonto!
K: I don't know... what is it?
Rev. Jimmy: Great Masked Leader, why don't you fill him in?
Corpuscle: It is a wondrous potion that will unlock your mind!
K: It's a hallucinogen?
Rev. Jimmy: (hedging) Um... no. Well, sort of.
K: I can't possibly drink it! Didn't you people ever go to health class in high school?
Corpuscle: Listen, buddy, I told you to drink it! Can you not obey orders!
Rev. Jimmy: Don't worry, son, it's nothin' dangerous. It's just a l'il ole harmless bottle of beer.
K: Beer?
Rev. Jimmy: Yep. Lite beer.
K: Light beer?! Well, good heavens, that's not a drug at all!
Rev. Jimmy: Exactly... you can drink as much of this as you like. Our church regards as false doctrine the idea that in heaven there is no beer. We figger, what kind of paradise would it be if'n you couldn't get loopy and ralph all over St. Peter's shoes?
K: I must say, that sounds quite theologically sound... Of course, I'm not 21.
Rev. Jimmy: Your secret is safe with me.
K: But won't I be thrown in jail if I get caught? I mean, with the Republicans in office, I don't want to get hard labor in Alcatraz for 12 ounces of 3.2.
Rev. Jimmy: Don't worry, K. We're all friends here. But you can only be our friend by blindly doing whatever we tell you to, and you'd have to agree that it's better to have a friend than not have one, hm?
K: Well, gosh, when you put it like that...
Rev. Jimmy: See, we've found that with enough bottles of this—which we can sell you at a very competitive rate, much better than other fringe religions would ask for—with enough of this beer, and enough of what we like to call, um, forcible meditation, we don't actually need hallucinogens. The Great Masked Leader saves a lot of money this way. Besides, he likes the taste of this particular brand, isn't that so, Great Masked Leader?
Corpuscle: Ja. It goes down easy, and is smooth über alles.
K: Gosh... I've never drunk this stuff before.
Rev. Jimmy: Relax, my son. Beer is a gift from heaven above. It will bare your soul and make you at one with the cosmos. Jes' one l'il sip, that's all I'm askin'... you kin do that fer your friend Reverend Jimmy, now, can't ya?
K: Oh... all right. But don't tell my mother.
Rev. Jimmy: Mum's the word.
K: No, she prefers to be called "mother."
Rev. Jimmy: I mean, I won't tell nobody.
K: Alright. Here I go. (K makes gulping noises)
(SFX: Sitar music)
K: Oh my God, the colors! You wouldn't believe the colors I can see!
Rev. Jimmy: I do! I believe, Mr. K!
K: The greens are so green! And the reds so red! This is better than MTV! It's wonderful! I feel so alive!
Rev. Jimmy: 'Course, once you start down this slippery slope... there ain't no turning back.
K: Why would I want to?
Rev. Jimmy: See, it's a small question of what happens when the beer wears off. That one bottle won't keep you happy forever.
K: Impossible!
Rev. Jimmy: You don't listen to much country music, do you, boy?
K: I can't let this feeling end! I must have more!
Rev. Jimmy: Mr. K., I can see you're profoundly affected. So I'm about to make you an offer I don't make to very many people.
K: Do you have more beer?
Rev. Jimmy: (triumphantly) Mr. K., back at our church we got a whole mess of beer. We got cases and cases packed up to the top of the stained-glass windows.
K: That's very impressive, Reverend Jimmy.
Rev. Jimmy: We's the pride of our community. And, Mr. K., if you're willing to come with us and endure a few harmless indoctrination rituals, you kin have as much of that beer as you want! As God is my witness, you'll never be thirsty again!
K: Really and truly?
Rev. Jimmy: My son, there is a very sensible and wise basis for this in Scripture. I quote the Third Epistle to the Armenians, Chapter 37, verse 16: "And The Lord God did bring forth fire and smoke from the heavens, and the people did tremble. And the Lord saith unto the people, take thou unto thee this keg, which is given unto you, that thou mayst loosen up a bit, with the blessing of the cherubim and seraphim, and not be such damned uptight stiffs. For I am the Lord your God, and have splurged on a sixteen-gallon drum of the good stuff, straight from Heidelberg where they really know how to brew it."
K: Good gracious!
Rev. Jimmy: So you see, Mr. K., a man cannot drink too much beer, 'cause God Hisself sez so.
K: But what about these hangovers I've read about?
Rev. Jimmy: Them's just a liberal myth. Plus, they's the wrath of God on the unbeliever. No true follower of our church ever gets one.
K: Alright! I'll join your club!
Rev. Jimmy: Super! Mr. K, you're about to embark on a mystical journey. You will see the light in the darkness, and you will make some sense of this! And when you've made your secret journey—you will be a holy man! Guaranteed or your money back!
K: You're absolutely sure this will work for me?
Corpuscle: Hey, if it vorks for Charles Bukowski, it vorks for you, eh? (SFX: Beeper) Ach—zat iss mein beeper. I must get back to mein office. Reverend Jimmy, take Mr. K back to headquarters and make him our... special guest.
Rev. Jimmy: Don't you worry, Great Leader—I'll get the boy all prepared for yer teachin'.
Corpuscle: Excellent. Farewell, zen, Mr. K. I vill, heh heh, take care of you later.
Rev. Jimmy: C'mon, Mr. K—the Promise of Enlightenment awaits! Plus we gots fried chicken.
K: I can't wait! Goodbye, Leonard—next time you see me, I'll have an empty six-pack and a full notebook of the best drug-induced writing since Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
Leonard: Who was that?
K: I don't know. I just heard the name at a party a few weeks ago—I think he used to write for the Dick Van Dyke Show.
Leonard: Cool. Later, dude.
Rev. Jimmy: OK, boy, let's get a move-on—there's holy times ahead!
(Sitar music and cult chanting fades away)
Dave: OK, guys, I'm back with your coffees... Hey, where's K going? Who are those people? Leonard! What happened?
Leonard: It was cool. K was talking to these cult members, and they convinced him to go with them and hear about some kind of, like, church stuff. They said something about the sacrament of indoctrination.
Dave: How did they manage that?
Leonard: They gave him some drugs to make him docile and sheeplike. It's a common method of control among those kind of cults. It makes the brainwashing easier.
Dave: What? And you didn't try to stop them?
Leonard: Hey, c'mon... I was being mellow.
Dave: But they kidnapped K! They drugged him and dragged him away!
Leonard: So?
Dave: So it's illegal to do that!
LeonarDave: Jeez, Dave, don't be such a moralist.
Dave: What was in that beer? It must have been spiked for K to react that way.
LeonarDave: I dunno, but he left the bottle here half empty.
Dave: Well, check it out.
Leonard: Sure, man. (Leonard gulps) Phththth! Yuck. It's nothing more than a warm bottle of lite beer.
Dave: It wasn't spiked?
Leonard: Um... no, not that I could tell.
Dave: You're telling me K had a psychedelic reaction to half a bottle of lite beer.
Leonard: Don't knock it, man, it's his trip.
Dave: But it was just beer!
Leonard: Well, now that you mention it, there was something suspicious about all that, wasn't there?
Dave: Of course, you goateed cretin! You can't trip out on Miller Lite! ...but then again, we are talking about K.
Leonard: No, I'm talking about the head dude of that cult... the one they called the Great Masked Leader. I thought I recognized him.
Dave: You couldn't have recognized him—he was wearing a mask.
Leonard: He seemed familiar, man. I'm gonna go down to the police station and look through the mug shots until I find a match with the Great Masked Leader's profile, and then I'll doublecheck with the FBI's national database of fingerprint files just to make sure we don't go falsely accusing the wrong man.
Dave: (incredulous) How long is that going to take you?
Leonard: Better not be too long—there are reruns of "Hogan's Heroes" on at 5:30, and I just love the wacky antics of that Sergeant Schultz.
Dave: Let me know what you find out. I'm worried about Jules and K. But for God's sake don't tell anyone that.
Leonard: See you, dude.
SCENE V: On the street
(SFX: Street ambience; then sitar and chanting fades up)
K: Oh, the birds—listen to the pretty birds sing! It's like life's veil of mystery has been ripped from my eyes. I think I feel a poem coming on right now—wiuld you like to hear it, Reverend?
Rev. Jimmy: No! No, no, thank you kindly, Mr. K.
K: Birdie, birdie, in the sky, he sings so sweet, like Mel Tormi.
Rev. Jimmy: Mel who?
K: Well, I meant Mel Torme, but that doesn't rhyme with sky. What did you think?
Rev. Jimmy: (long pause, as he searches for the right words) I... like it. Go further in that direction.
K: It wasn't very good, was it? I don't understand—I thought taking drugs would make me immediately and effortlessly brilliant!
Rev. Jimmy: Boy, I think you just needs a little more of our liquid inspiration.
K: Drat. How much further is it?
Rev. Jimmy: This is it right up ahead. See that building over there?
K: You mean that shining white tower that reaches up to the sky, whose lofty spires seem to cry out to every passerby that here, on this spot, stands a symbol of divine grace and the highest, noblest spirits of humankind?
Rev. Jimmy: No, son, that's the post office. I mean the dingy-looking one next to it with the broken windows and the sign saying it's been condemned.
K: The one that looks like it's been hastily rebuilt after being partially destroyed by a dynamite blast?
Rev. Jimmy: The very same! That's our holy ground, Mr. K. The Fully Most Holy and Accredited Church of Free Thought.
K: Oh.
Rev. Jimmy: Beggars can't be choosers, son. Now let's get inside an' we kin get you indoctrinated.
K: What kind of indoctrination are you talking about exactly?
Rev. Jimmy: Mr. K, you'll be ashamed to discover that there walks among us the lowliest of vermin. The most odious of slime! The most scum-ridden and vile excuse for a human being that the earth ever did see!
K: An Amway salesperson?
Rev. Jimmy: A sinner!
K: Oh dear. That's bad, isn't it?
Rev. Jimmy: Very bad, kid. Everybody on the path to righteousness got a whole great big mess of sinfulness inside 'em. I mean, I don't, but you definitely do.
K: You didn't say anything about this before.
Rev. Jimmy: You didn't ask, son. But fret ye not, 'cause we got a way to purge that sin a'from you. We gonna lock up your sinful body in the Closet of Correction until you repent your evil ways!
(Cult members switch chant to "Closet of Correction")
K: Wait a minute—what evil ways?
Rev. Jimmy: All of them, son. After you get reprogrammed, you'll realize 'em all. For it is written: If thine neighbor has a mote in his eye, lock him up with no food or water until he comes 'round to your point of view.
K: I think perhaps I'll go back to the cafe.
Rev. Jimmy: Fraid I can't allow that, son.
K: Hey! Tell these chanting goons to let go of me!
Rev. Jimmy: I'm so sorry you made us do this, Mr. K. Fellas, hand me over his wallet, will you? Lessee here. Fifty bucks cash, a discount coffee card... lo and behold! American Express—my children, we livin' off the high hog tonight!
K: Help! Help! Mmmmph! Mmmmmmmph!
Rev. Jimmy: Don't you worry, Mr. K. We's just gonna get you off the street and away from pryin' eyes, and then we'll help you win that war against sinfulness—we aim to help you win the battle over yourself. (laughs evilly and floridly)
SCENE VI: Corpuscle's New Institute.
Announcer: Meanwhile, we rejoin Jules Hampton Sykes, who has recovered from the humiliation of being diagnosed annoying but sane and now searches for a new psychiatrist to help him nurture his nascent neuroses into a full-fledged frenzy of poetic inspiration. To that end he's made his way to a condemned, dingy-looking building with broken windows that's been hastily rebuilt after being partially destroyed by a dynamite blast—the New Corpuscle Institute for the Advanced Studieren of Very Strange People, which is absolutely not to be confused with the old one, which was run by a liar, cheat and murderer, and... oh, we'll just let you figure it all out.
Jules: Are you certain that Dr. Smith will be in today?
Miss Jones: (A very hoarse and obviously male voice) Keep your pants on, buddy. I called his beeper and he'll be in as soon as he ... finishes his errands.
Jules: I can't wait too long! I'm just dying to be psychoanalyzed!
Miss Jones: Ain't we all, buddy.
Corpuscle: (on intercom buzzer) Miss Jones?
Miss Jones: Yeah, doc?
Jules: Miss Jones?
Corpuscle: I understand a patient iss vaiting to see me?
Miss Jones: Yeah, an' he passed the credit check an' everything.
Corpuscle: Excellent! Send him right in.
Miss Jones: Right away, Dr. Corpuscle—(catches herself) I mean, Dr. Smith. (to Jules) Doc's waiting, kid. May God have mercy on your soul.
Jules: Thank you, my dear... woman.
(Door opens and closes)
Jules: Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Dr. Smith.
Corpuscle: My boy, when I meet a young man troubled with existential angst, I am filled with pity and my heart goes out to him. Just as often I'm filled mit derisive laughter, but the $5,000 limit on your VISA card pushed the balance in your favor.
Jules: I'm glad you find me worthy, sir. How do we begin my treatment?
Corpuscle: Vell, normally I would drag out zis process for a few weeks, since I charge by ze hour. But I have some pressing business mit mein other new enterprise, and besides, zere are reruns of "Hogan's Heroes" on at 5:30 and I do so enjoy ze antics of zat wacky Colonel Klink. So let's do a few Rorschach tests.
Jules: This is so neat!
Corpuscle: Here. Look at this inkblot and tell me what you see.
Jules: Um... It's a fish.
C: What? Of course it's not a fish.
Jules: But—
C: It's a notecard with ink smeared all over it. Are you stupid as well as crazy?
Jules: I thought you meant to tell you what the inkblot reminded me of!
C: Oh, is that the way you want to play the game, eh? Alright, then. Take a look at this card.
Jules: Looks like an alligator.
C: It is not an alligator!
Jules: My good man, I'm not sure you're supposed to disagree with me here. I mean, I'm the patient, right?
C: Listen, buster, I'm the only person here mit any authority to abuse, and I tell you that inkblot looks nothing like an alligator.
Jules: But—
C: It happens to look just like my sainted mother!
(pause)
Jules: Ah.
C: I loved her... and I know she loved me back! She did, she did! Even though she sold me when I was three for a stack of lottery tickets.
Jules: Um, Dr. Corpuscle...
C: Ze vorst thing was, none of them were even winners. And the people at the convenience store didn't know what to do mit me... I had to stay in the frozen foods aisle until I was fourteen!
Jules: (yawns) Yes, yes. Doctor, I'm sure that was all very traumatic for you, but perhaps we should stay with my personality problems. We could be here all day even for those.
C: Listen, mister, I am not going to compete mit you over which one of us has more psychoses. I'm ze psychiatrist here, and if I want to be more screwed up than you, dat iss my prerogative as defined by ze American Medical Association.
Jules: Um... yes, Doctor Corpuscle.
C: So as long as we're clear on which one of us snaps ze buckles on ze straitjackets... Here, tell me what you see on this notecard.
Jules: I've seen this one before.
C: Hmm?
Jules: I mean, it's the same card as the one you gave me just a minute ago..
C:Aha! Let me make a note of this... "Subject lacks higher imaginative faculties..."
Jules: What are you talking about? This is the first card you gave me. Look at it.
C: Alright, alright, anything for a paying customer's delusions... ah. Yes, you're right—but don't go thinking zis proves anything, mister!
Jules: Dr. Smith, I don't think the Rorschach tests are helping me.
Corpuscle: Very vell. Let's move on to ze next step.
Jules: I can't wait! What is it?
Corpuscle: A therapeutic device I like to call... ze Closet of Correction!
Jules: Why, that sounds wonderful! Just what I'm looking for.
Corpuscle: Really?
Jules: Oh, yes!
Corpuscle: How very wise and sensible of you. Right zis way. I'll just lock you in mit no food and no water until you're completely defenseless against mein insidious scheme of robbery and murder.
Jules: Oh, I don't care about all that. Will my poetry be better?
C: Jules, you'll be a Nobel laureate or your money back.
Jules: Great—I'll even pull the door shut myself! (SFX: Prison door slam) Goodbye, Dr. Smith!
Corpuscle: Good luck... sucker!
Jules: Now this is the good life! Finally I'll write better than that blasted K! There's no way he could have lucked into such a marvelous method of mind expansion.
K: I'm sorry, Jules? You're standing on my foot.
Jules: K!? What in blazes are you doing in my closet?
K: I was here first. But I think we're in trouble, Jules—they beat me up and stole my wallet before they put me in here.
Jules: You mean... we're actually in danger of being killed if we stay here?
K: Yes.
Jules: My god, K! How Hemingwayesque!
K: Why, you're right! I was going to suggest that we try to break out of this closet and escape, but when you put it like that—
Jules: Let's just stay right here and see who can come up with a better sonnet first.
K: I can.
Jules: No, I can.
K: No, I can.
Jules: No, I can.
K: No, I can.
Jules: No, I can.
K: No, I can.
Jules: No, I can.
K: No, I can.
(the bickering fades down into the scene-shift music)
SCENE VII: Cafe Pathetique.
Announcer: Back to Dave at Cafe Pathetique, who pours out his troubles to the surly coffeshop employee.
(SFX: Cafe Pathetique ambience)
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Jeez, pal—why so glum? You're not worried about those two moron friends of yours, are you?
Dave: Yes, I'll admit it. The whole thing makes me uneasy—I just can't shake the feeling that Jules and K are in terrible trouble.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: And this worries you? If I was you, I'd be jumping for joy. Here, why don't you have a coffee on the house. It'll cheer you up.
Dave: Really? Wow! I've never known you to do anything nice before!
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: I know, had you going there, eh? Heh heh heh heh heh.
Dave: Jerk.
Leonard: Hey, Dave. What's up?
Dave: Where have you been, Leonard? I've been waiting here for hours!
Leonard: Oh, jeez, I'm really sorry, man. I was home watching TV and they played the test of the emergency broadcast system, and I always love to watch it just to see if it turns out any differently this time.
Dave: (pause) Whatever. Did you find anything out?
LeonarDave: You know that therapist that Jules went to? Well, he's evil. His name is Helmut Corpuscle, and he used to run that psychiatry center down where the Burger King used to be.
Dave: He used to run it? What happened?
Leonard: He was stealing his patients' money and then killing them.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: That just sounds like good business.
Dave: Shut up. Go on, Leonard.
Leonard: The cops were about to arrest him, when his building mysteriously exploded! He disappeared, nobody knew to where, but now, I think, he's come back.
Dave: You mean Jules' psychiatrist is going to kill him?
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Like I said, so what?
Dave: This is terrible, Leonard! We've got to do something!
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: You're right—we'll celebrate! Free coffees for everybody!
(SFX: Cheering, a rousing chorus of "For Jules Was A Jolly Good Fellow")
Leonard: Wait! There's more! I haven't told you about K!
(SFX: singing stops)
Dave: K ran off on a spiritual quest with that cult.
Leonard: I taped the voice of the guy they called their Great Masked Leader, and guess what I found out!
Dave: What?
Leonard: Well, first I found out that I accidentally taped over my favorite Nirvana album, so I was pretty bummed, but then I remembered that I had it on CD too so it was no big deal.
Dave: No, Leonard, what did you find out about the voice of the Great Masked Leader?
Leonard: Well, here, I'll play the tape.
Corpuscle: Can you not obey orders?
Dave: Right... German accent, kind of nasty-sounding.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: I wonder if we're related.
Dave: Don't be silly. Stop interrupting.
Leonard: Plus I also got a tape of the voice of Herr Professor Doktor John Smith, who runs the new Corpuscle Institute where Jules is.
Corpuscle: Can you not obey orders?
Dave: Wait a minute—that sounds familiar! But where do I know that voice from?
Leonard: And here's a tape of Herr Professor Doktor Helmut Corpuscle in Where Threads Come Loose, episode 2: "The Weird Obsessions!"
Corpuscle: Can you not obey orders?
Dave: That voice, too—there's something about it...
Leonard: I know—they're all German!
Dave: No, no, something even more than that... let me think...
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Take your time.
Dave: (realization dawns) My god... Doctor Smith and the Cult Leader—they're just disguises! They're all the same person!
(SFX: Suspense trumpets)
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Bravo, Mr. Einstein. I suppose you were shocked to find out that Michael Keaton played both Bruce Wayne and Batman, huh?
Dave and Leonard: He did what?!
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: ...Never mind. I just can't see what you guys are getting so worked up about. It's not like Jules and K were actually worthwhile human beings or anything.
Leonard: Hey, come on, man!
Dave: I said ignore him, Leonard.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: You're no fun.
Dave: Of course not, I'm an architecture major. Now give us two coffees to go. Despite how I personally feel about Jules and K, I can't just sit here in good conscience and let them be killed by a lunatic psychiatrist!
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: My hero. Here's your coffees. Have fun, kids. Be home before dark! Heh heh heh heh heh...
Dave: Jerk. (SFX: Door slams)
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: (SFX: Telephone dialing over his next line) Heh heh heh heh... They don't know who they're dealing with... Let me just make a quick phone call... Hello? Doktor Corpuscle? They're on their way... Yes. Yes. Armed only with two large cafe au laits. Yes. Decaf. They don't stand a chance.
SCENE VIII: The Institute.
Announcer: Ten minutes later, at the Corpuscle Institute.
(SFX: Door bursts open. The cult members are chanting.)
Dave: Stop right there, Great Masked Leader—or should I say, Doctor Helmut Corpuscle!
Corpuscle: Damn—you found me out!
Leonard: Yeah, and stop right there, Reverend Jimmy Hornswoggle—or should I say, Reverend Jimmy Hornswoggle!
Rev. Jimmy: Damn—you found me out!
Dave: We've come to put a stop to your evil scheme!
Leonard: Yeah—surrender now or we'll, um... we'll... Dave, we're not armed.
Dave: We'll... we'll drink these coffees at you!
Corpuscle: Ho hum... Jimmy, get rid of zem, will you?
Rev. Jimmy: You got it, boss. Listen, boys, I think you oughtta just put them coffees down and come quietly. I count two of you, and about seventeen of these brainwashed chantin' fellers behind me.
Dave: (desperately bluffing) Back off, man—I know karate!
Leonard: Yeah—and I like to watch Godzilla movies!
Rev. Jimmy: Haw haw haw haw! That's so cute. See, what you boys don't realize is that these are no ordinary brainwashed cult members.
Dave: They're not?
Rev. Jimmy: Nope—they're really a trained squad of killer attack ninjas.
Dave: What?!
Leonard: It couldn't get any stranger than this!
Rev. Jimmy: Get 'em, guys!
Cult members: (They make the kind of noises you only ever hear in Bruce Lee movies)
Corpuscle: Ha ha! How quickly ze ball bounces to ze shoe on ze other foot! Jimmy, get the two poets out of ze closet.
(SFX: Door opens)
K: What are you doing! Put us back in! We're not done!
Jules: Yes, we liked it in there!
Corpuscle: I'm sorry, but since your friends have shown up, I must kill all of you right now. Ninjas—tie zem up to that suspicious-looking cage in the corner of the room.
Rev. Jimmy: We can't kill 'em yet! We ain't got their money!
Corpuscle: I'm ze ringleader of zis show.
Rev. Jimmy: What if I say you ain't, son? Maybe it's time this cult had a new leader.
Corpuscle: Then I vill hit you mit this shovel. (SFX: Clang)
Rev. Jimmy: Ouch! (SFX: Electricity zaps, and RJ's voice is distorted through the magic of post-production) I feel kinda funny.
Corpuscle: I zink you'll find it's called "dying."
Rev. Jimmy: No! I'm gonna head up this cult if it's the last thing I—(SFX: Clang) Momma? (he dies making strange staticky noises)
Dave: What in the world?
K: Good heavens—Reverend Jimmy was really just an evil robot!
Dave: A robot?
Corpuscle: Vell, you know... It's so hard to find good help zese days.
Leonard: Whoa—it couldn't get any stranger than this!
Corpuscle: Actually it could. Let me just pull zis switch here (SFX: Floor moves) and ze floor of this room will roll away to reveal a large vat of molten lava.
Dave: What do you have a vat of lava for?
Corpuscle: I picked it up at a garage sale a few years ago, and you know how people hang onto stuff.
Dave: Oh, there's nothing bizarre about that. I mean why are you showing it to us?
Corpuscle: It's how I'm going to kill you, of course. Usually I like simpler methods, but I feel like being Batmanesque today. Everybody comfy? I'll start lowering the chain.
(SFX: Nasty-sounding creak)
Leonard: OK, now this it definitely can't get stranger than.
K: Oh, dear... I think we're going to die now.
Dave: Don't lose hope, K! Someone might rescue us!
K: Don't be silly. The only person who knows we're here is the surly coffeeshop employee, and he'd only come to watch and chortle with malicious glee. Do you think the cavalry is just going to burst through the door on horseback with guns blazing?
Dave: You're right, K. We're gonna die.
K: At least you're being realistic.
(SFX: The door bursts open, and a platoon of cavalry on horseback rides in with guns blazing. Ninjas attack and scream as they all die.)
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Stop right there, Corpuscle! Let those people go!
Dave: It's the surly coffeeshop employee!
K: We're saved! I knew this would happen.
Leonard: It couldn't get any stranger than—
Dave: Shut up, Leonard.
Corpuscle: Vat ze hell do you zink you are doing? I thought you were on my side!
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Heh heh heh heh heh. Silly German. You fell right into my trap.
Corpuscle: Vat are you talking about? Ze plan was to kill zese people off and zen split their money between us! Vhy haff you betrayed me?
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Listen, pal, I was already cheating these guys blind at the cafe with my wildly overpriced drinks. Did you know they were paying me five-fifty for carbonated water and dirt mixed together? I called it an earth-flavored Italian soda. You couldn't pray for a easier bunch of marks. No Johann-come-lately's gonna rob me of my best customers.
Jules: I feel somewhat insulted, K.
K: Oh, hush. He's thinking of our welfare. I think it's sweet.
Dave: K, you're an idiot.
Corpuscle: So your cooperation vas nothing but a ruse, eh? Vell listen, Mr. Surly Coffeeshop Employee, your Wild West cavalry on horseback may haff defeated my army of brainwashed ninjas, but I still have ze upper hand!
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Oh, yeah?
Corpuscle: Yeah! One flick of zis switch and your precious flunkies go kersplash into my pit of molten lava!
Leonard: I don't wanna die! I'm too young and beautiful! And I'll miss "Hogan's Heroes" at 5:30!
Corpuscle: Say—zat iss my favorite show too!
Leonard: Really?
Corpuscle: Yes. I do so love ze wacky antics of zat Colonel Klink.
Leonard: What? No way, man—Sergeant Schultz has tons more wacky antics than Klink.
Corpuscle: Damn you! Werner Klemperer is ein comic genius!
Leonard: Yeah, he's alright—if you like dumb things.
Jules: That's telling him, Leonard!
Dave: Surly—Corpuscle's distracted arguing abut "Hogan's Heroes!" Now's your chance!
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Take that, you evil psychiatrist, you! (SFX: hits him)
Corpuscle: Aaagh! I'm losing my balance and falling into my own deathtrap! Oh, ze irony!
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Hurry up and fall, guy, I ain't got all day.
Corpuscle: Ho-gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
(SFX: Sizzle)
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Alright, he's dead. Let's get back to the cafe.
K: That was a bit anticlimactic.
Dave: I hope this has taught you a lesson, Jules and K.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Do you always have to do this Ward Cleaver routine at the end of every episode?
Dave: Quiet. I hope you both realize that outward searching which is driven by what others tell you is not a good road to wisdom:
Jules: What I hear you saying is, none of this would have happened if we had stopped to examine the motives of the people who were telling us they had all the answers to life?
Dave: Right.
Jules: Oh, if you say so. I prefer to think that we just haven't latched onto the right fad yet. Even though we went through hell in that closet, I felt like I was close to discovering my real, true and completely self-actualized inner self.
K: Exactly, Jules. I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.
Jules: K, that's so deep!
Dave: Whatever. This also wouldn't have happened if you two weren't so jealous of each other.
Jules: Jealous? Of K? Never!
Dave: What poet would not grieve to see his brethren write as well as he? But rather than that they excel, he'd wish his rivals all in hell.
Jules: You're not saying that about K and I?
K: Yes, that doesn't fit us at all.
Jules: Excuse me, K, could I borrow a pencil? I want to write down some of the brilliant poetry I thought of in the Closet of Correction.
K: Get stuffed, Jules! I'm not giving you a chance to outwrite me!
Jules: Give me that pencil, you mucus-mused malcontent!
K: You'll have to catch me first!
Jules: Come back here!
K: Never! I'll deny you your rightful chance at greatness if it's the last thing I do!
(SFX: Crash of glass)
Dave: There they go... chasing each other down the alley.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Heh—guess the advice didn't work out too well, huh, Ward.
Dave: They'll never learn, will they?
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Of course not.
Dave: So what should we do?
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Good question. Why don't we just laugh good-naturedly at their wacky antics, for lack of any better thing to do?
Dave: Alright.
(they do.)
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Ah... silly poets.
FINIS: CREDITS, EXEUNT OMNES. |  | |  |
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