|"Jules and K: The Lost Kafka Notebooks Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV" |
The Recording Script
Announcer: Last time, you remember, we followed the adventures of our poets Jules and K as they traveled cross-country to Floppy Junction, Mississippi, to find the fabled Lost Notebooks of Gunther Kafka, the unimpressive fourth cousin of Franz Kafka. Jules and K were pursued by Bert and Rollie, two nefarious and evil biker thugs from whom they'd made the mistake of stealing a motorcycle for transportation.
Jules: But we had no choice!
Art by Dan Grothe & Christopher Bahn
Announcer: Doesn't matter! Still a bad mistake. Anyway, since none of Jules and K's other friends could be bothered to go rescue them, their friend Leonard pretended to join Bert and Rollie's gang in an attempt to cleverly trick the bikers into not killing Jules and K, but that plan fell apart in less time than it took for me to explain this plot point to you. You can go back and time the last episode if you don't believe me. Jules, K, and Leonard barely escaped being beaten senseless by the bikers only to find themselves cornered atop a high cliff above a dangerous gulch with no escape routes, watching an angry Bert and Rollie slouch ever closer. We join Jules, K and Leonard as they bravely await the bikers to come kill them.
SCENE XXV: Cliffside
Leonard: I don't wanna die! I'll miss my "Brady Bunch" reruns!
Jules: Don't worry, Leonard. If there's a heaven, you can be sure they play the "Brady Bunch" all day long.
Leonard: You mean it?
Jules: No, but it'll make you feel better.
Leonard: Wow. Thanks, man.
Announcer: Will our heroeswell, not heroes, but protagonists, I guessfind a way out of their desperate plight? Can anyone come in the nick of time to save them? To that end, we take you back to Cafe Pathetique, a small coffeeshop in Minneapolis' Dinkytown neighborhood, where this whole fiasco got started in the first place.
(SFX: Cafe ambience)
Dave: Gosh, I wonder how Jules, K and Leonard are getting along?
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Ah, who cares?
Dave: I can't help imagining the worst. I bet right now they're trapped on a cliff, waiting for the bikers to break their spines.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Oh, you're being unrealistic.
Dave: I suppose you're right. Still, I can't help thinking I should go find them before something happens.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Dave, you can't do that!
Dave: Why not?
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: You bet me ten bucks they'd escape by themselves.
Dave: Hmm... If I went and saved their lives, I'd lose my money.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: A bet's a bet.
Dave: Butbutah, let 'em stew.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Spoken like a true gentleman.
Dave: Give me another cafe latte.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: That'll be seven bucks. Don't forget the tip.
(SFX: Cafe ambience ends)
Announcer: Um... That's not what I expected... Well! I'm kind of at a loss for words here! Um... For lack of something better to do, we take you back now to the dangerous gulch where Jules, K and Leonard are perched and awaiting certain doom.
Rollie: Bert, we're gonna have to climb down this ledge.
Bert: Very well! Then I break their spines!
Leonard: Aaagh! We're gonna die! And I wanted to be a hero! (starts crying)
Jules: Nobody panic! We can still get out of this by ourselves.
K: Jules, that's nonsense! We can't rely on our own ability to save ourselves! We'll die!
Jules: What do you think we need?
K: We need a hero.
Jules: A hero?
K: Yes. I'm holding out for a hero in the morning light. And he's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight.
Jules: You're being a little too choosy, K.
Leonard: Hey, what's this sign over here?
K: Oh, who cares about signs now, Leonard?
Leonard: It looks important, man.
Jules: The only thing that's important now is to make out our wills! Where's my ballpoint pen?
K: I, K, being of sound mind and body...
Leonard: Gosh... it's kind of hard to make out what it says here...
Jules: To my friend and lesser poet K, I bequeath my prized collection of Richard Marx albums.
K: I don't want those!
Bert: I am coming to break your spines, poets!
Rollie: That'll be the last time you steal from us!
Leonard: "In case of emergency, pull string." Whoa... This seems like an emergency to me.
K: Well, if I'm stuck with your Richard Marx albums, you're going to get nothing but my hoard of Scott Baio movies.
Jules: But K, I already own a copy of Zapped!
Leonard: Guys, I'm gonna pull this string, OK?
Bert: Five more feet! Time to sing the "Breakin' Spines" song! (sings, in no particular tune:)
There's never been a sound so fine
As the lovely crunch of breakin' spines
I'll never be all glum and solemn
If I can snap your spinal column
Spines, spines, everywhere a spine
Broken over kneecaps, or a land mine
Nothin' makes me happier all the gosh-darn time
Than breakin', a-breakin', a-breakin' your spine
K: Well, I already have a 45 of "Sunglasses At Night"!
Jules: That's Corey Hart, not Richard Marx.
K: Same thing.
Jules: True, but that's not the point.
Leonard: Guys, watch me pull the string, OK? (no response) Oh, whatever. Here goes nothing.
(SFX: Avalanche rumble)
K: Heywhat's that?
Jules: The top of the cliff is tumbling down the ravine! And it's conveniently sweeping the bikers along with it!
(SFX: Avalanche louder. Bert and Rollie scream as they go down. As noise dies off, Bert says:)
Bert: Oh, my spine! I think it's broken!
Announcer: At that moment, back at Cafe Pathetique...
(SFX: Cafe ambience)
Dave: You owe me ten bucks.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Oh, alright.
(SFX: Cafe ambience ends)
Announcer: And back to the dangerous gulch.
Leonard: I did it! I'm a hero! I'm a hero! Yahoo! I'm gonna do a victory dance! (SFX: Tap dancing)
K: Leonard, watch out
Leonard: I'm a hero! (he falls) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
K:for the edge of the cliff.
Jules: Oh, dear. Is he alright?
K: I'd feel terrible if he was hurt. He saved our lives!
Jules: Do you see him?
K: Hmmm... No.
Jules: Wait! There he is! He fell into the river! He's just fine. He's sort of dog-paddling.
K: Do I hear him screaming?
Jules: Shouts of joy, no doubt.
K: Look, he's going through some rapids!
Jules: Oh, yes! Looks like fun. OK, let's go.
K: Are we just going to leave him here?
Jules: Sure, why not? We've got a lot of work to do.
K: Sounds fair. Only two miles to Floppy Junction!
(SFX: Cycle revs, roars away)
Announcer: Meanwhile, at the bottom of Dangerous Gulch.
(SFX: River in BG. Splashing as L swims to shore.)
Leonard: Oh... I ache all over. I'm almost too hurt to move. (pause) I can't believe it! They left me! Here I am, a hero, and Jules and K left me stranded! What am I gonna do? This is the middle of nowhere, and nobody knows I'm here. (pause) Wait a minute! By pure chance, I happened to swim to shore right next to a pay phone! Thank heavens someone from the phone company installed it where nobody was ever likely to need it. I'm in luck! (SFX: He picks up phone, inserts quarter, dials. It rings.)
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: This is Cafe Pathetique. What the hell you botherin' me for?
Leonard: It's the surly coffeeshop employee!
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Yeah. Who's this?
Leonard: It's Leonard!
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Who gave you this number?
Leonard: You listed it in the phone book.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Damn. I knew that would come back to haunt me.
Leonard: I'm in trouble! I fell off a cliff and Jules and K left me for dead. I think I've got a nasty bruise on my shin, too, and I don't have any Bactine.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Uh-huh. So?
Leonard: So... can somebody come rescue me?
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Aw, jeez, Leonard, it's pretty busy here.
Leonard: But I'm desperate! I could die out here!
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: C'mon, pal, it's the lunch rush.
Leonard: Can't you send somebody else out here? I need help.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: (sighs) Alright, alright, I'll ask, just a second. (pause) Anybody wanna travel 1,000 miles to pull Leonard out of a jam? (pause) How should I know what's in it for you? (pause) No, of course he can't take care of himself. (pause) Sorry, Leonard, nobody seems interested.
Leonard: Please? I'm a hero now, you know.
Surly Coffeeshop Employee: A hero ain't nothin' but a sandwich, kid. Listen, I gotta go.
Leonard: Wait! Don't leave me here! (SFX: Dial tone) Drat. That's my last quarter.
(SFX: Cycle ambience)
Jules: K! Pull over! Look at the name on that mailbox!
(SFX: Cycle stops)
Jules: "G. Kafka!" This is incredible! Not two minutes into town, and we find Gunther Kafka's mailbox!
K: What a stroke of luck! But he couldn't still be alive, could he? He's been missing since 1921!
Jules: Maybe he is! If so, he must live in this apartment building! We're bound to find him here!
K: I hope he'll be glad to see us. We've come so far to meet him.
Jules: Pish, K. We've come to rescue him from obscurity! Why would he be unfriendly?
K: He's been a hermit for so long, though. What if he wants to be obscure?
Jules: Not too likely, K.
Old Man 1: Hey, you damn kids! Get the hell off my lawn!
K: Sir, we've come a long way, and we must knoware you Gunther Kafka?
Gunther Kafka: What do I look like, a schmuck? Of course I'm Gunther Kafka! I come here from Vienna in 1921. Now get off my lawn. You'll kill the grass.
Jules: We've come to find your Lost Notebooks, sir. We want to make you famous!
Gunther Kafka: I don't know about no notebooks. Step onto the driveway, will you? Grass ain't meant to be walked on.
Jules: Alright, alright.
K: But sir, your notebooks are the whole reason we came down! Surely you must know something about where they might be.
Gunther Kafka: Ain't got 'em. Burned 'em.
Jules: Burned them?!
Gunther Kafka: I burned all my notebooks. What good are notebooks? They won't help me survive.
K: That can't be true!
Jules: We don't believe you.
Gunther Kafka: Get off my property before I get my shotgun.
Jules: We're going to make you a literary success whether you like it or not!
K: Get his legs!
Gunther Kafka: Hey! Let go of me, you little monsters!
Jules: I've got the rope! There, he's all tied up.
K: Now talk, Kafkawhere are the notebooks?
Gunther Kafka: I told you, I don't know!
K: Oh, so you admit they still exist, huh?
Jules: Ha! He lies! Before, he told us he burned them!
Gunther Kafka: Do your worst, punks. You'll never drag the notebooks out of me.
K: You've forced our hand.
Jules: We're going to have to pull out the rough stuff now.
Gunther Kafka: Not even torture will open my lips!
Jules: This isn't torture, sir.
K: Yes. By "rough stuff," we meant that we're going to force you to listen to the rough drafts our some of our poems!
Gunther Kafka: What? No! You can't do that! It's inhumane!
Jules: Last chance, Kafkawhere are the notebooks?
Gunther Kafka: Go stuff yourselves.
K: Jules, you go first.
Jules: Alright. This is an ode I wrote last week about being vomited on by pigeons.
K: Strong theme!
Jules: Yes, I know. (As he reads, Kafka moans in pain) "I wandered lonely on the ground. Pigeon swooping, made no sound. And then before my very eyes, he heaved upon my legs and thighs. Pigeon, pigeon, lord of air. Don't throw up on mehave a care!"
Gunther Kafka: Make it stop! For the love of God I beg you, make it stop!
Jules: Your turn, K.
K: Alright. This one's about the time I accidentally got my head stuck in a waffle iron.
Kafka Two: Hey! You kids! Get off my driveway!
Kafka Two: I said get the hell off my driveway, you damn kids. You'll get scuff marks on the asphalt.
K: If you don't mind, sir, we're trying to ask this man a few questions.
Kafka Two: What the hell for? He's no good for anything.
Gunther Kafka: Ah, shut up, you bastard. And get off my lawn.
Kafka Two: What, like I don't got enough problems?
Gunther Kafka: You don't know from problems.
Kafka Two: What am I, a schmuck? I know from plenty of problems! I'm Gunther Kafka!
K: You're Gunther Kafka?
Kafka Two: I'm not somebody else, if that's what you're asking.
Gunther Kafka: I'm Gunther Kafka, you, you, other person, you.
Jules: K, I think we're in trouble.
Kafka Three: Hey! You kids! Are these two old schlemiels sayin' they're Gunther Kafka?
K: Yes. Who are you?
Kafka Three: What do I look like, some kind of schmuck?
Jules: Oh, no.
Kafka Three: I'm Gunther Kafka!
Gunther Kafka: I am!
Kafka Two: I told you, I am! Now get the hell off my driveway!
Nurse: Good morning, Mr. Kafka! And Mr. Kafka. I see you've got one of the other Mr. Kafkas tied up again. Naughty, naughty!
Gunther Kafka: Oh, it's her again.
Kafka Two: Just when I thought I knew from problems.
Nurse: Time for your medicine, gentlemen.
K: Excuse mecould you explain what's going on?
Nurse: What seems to be the problem?
Jules: Well... we came here to find Gunther Kafka.
Gunther Kafka: Right here!
Kafka Two: No, it's me!
Kafka Three: I'm Kafka!
K: I think you can see the problem.
Nurse: Oh! Ha ha ha! Silly poets. There's a very simple explanation.
Jules: I can't wait.
Nurse: You see, all these old men live here, in the Floppy Junction Rest Home For Sufferers of Jumblebuggy Syndrome.
K: Jumblebuggy Syndrome? What's that?
Nurse: Well, it's a very strange coincidence. It's a very, very rare mental disorder that causes people to think that they're Gunther Kafka.
Jules: Do you mean our Gunther Kafka?
Nurse: Yes. Funny how that works, isn't it?
K: You mean, none of these men is Gunther Kafka?
Nurse: That's right. They just think they are.
Jules: This must be some kind of stupid prank.
Nurse: No, it's not. This is a stupid prankyou've got something on your shirt.
Jules: I do? (SFX: Bonk) Ow!
K: Wait a minute! How many people can there possibly be who think they're a turn-of-the-century writer who never had anything published?
Nurse: It's a very... exclusive establishment.
K: I'll bet.
Jules: K, we might as well go home. We're never going to get to the bottom of this! Those Notebooks might not even exist!
K: That's quite enough negativity, Jules. I'm going to go send a telegram. I think I know who can help us.
Jules: Nobody can help us! The smartest man on earth couldn't figure this mystery out!
K: With any luck, Jules, that's where you're wrong.
Announcer: Meanwhile, during the late 1900s, in a large country house near London...
Watson: But Holmes, I thought you said you had this murder solved!
Holmes: That's what I thought too, Watson.
W: Well, what went wrong?
H: Elementary. I made an unfortunate assumption that colored the entire structure of my deduction. You see, when the man in the blue hat turned out not to be Mr. Jenkins in disguise, as I thought, I realized that my assumption that the jewels were sent to Paris must also be faulty. That would mean that Lady Wallburger could not have been the person addicted to drinking liquefied whale blubber, which in turn gave the lie to my assumption that the Bunberry twins had stolen Dr. Jumbers' favorite pair of argyle socks, and thus that it was not, in fact, Mrs. Green with the knife in the billiard room.
W: Oh, yes. It all seems so simple when you put it like that.
H: Yes. So now we're left with no idea who committed the crime.
W: What do we do now, Holmes?
H: I believe that the accepted term in this case, Watson, is that we "wing it."
(SFX: Holmes throws open the door. There's a babble of voices that subsides in a few seconds.)
H: Ah, Lord and Lady Kildare. So good to see you. Everyone, please, sit down.
Lady Kildare: But Mr. Holmes, we must know if you've solved the case! There are so many questions! Who stole my jewels?
Lord Kildare: Who killed my butler?
Person1: Where is the man with the iron hook?
Person2: Is my uncle safe from the dreaded Blue Flag League?
Person3: Is there anything good on TV tonight?
Person4: Why are my pants on backwards?
Person5: Does a blue suitcoat match a pair of brown shoes?
Person6:Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
Person7: If a train leaves Boston traveling 60 miles per hour
Holmes: Please, please, my good people. All in good time. Watson, bar the doors and windows!
W: Righto! (SFX: Doors, windows lock)
H: Ladies and gentlemen, I can assure you that once again, I, Sherlock Holmes, the world's first consulting detective and the smartest man on earth if I do say so myself, have untangled a web of lies and deceit to uncover the identity of a most heinous criminal. And... ladies and gentlemen... the killer is someone in this very room.
(SFX: Suspense horns. People scream)
H: Ha ha ha... no, it isn't. I just like to say that to see your eyes get really wide all of a sudden. No, the killer is actually over there, in the sitting room.
W: But Holmes, this is the sitting room.
H: It is? I thought this was the dining room.
LordK: No, it's the living room. The dining room is in the basement of the coal shed out back.
H: Oh. I see. In that case, I take it back. The killer is, after all, someone in this very room.
(SFX: Suspense horns. People scream)
H: Yes, the man who killed Simon Finchkins! The man who stole the priceless statue of Baron von Humpfff! The man who filled the municipal water supply with 300,000 tons of lemon-flavored gelatin... is...
(SFX: Bicycle bell)
Delivery Boy: Telegram for Mr. Sherlock Holmes!
H: Oh, thank god.
Lord K: What was that, Holmes?
H: Nothing, nothing. Thank you, messenger lad. Here's a farthing. Now let's see what this says... (SFX: Paper rips) Great Scott, Watsona couple of dilletantes in Floppy Junction, Mississippi, need our help on a pointless errand!
W: There's no time to lose! I'll get my sidearm.
H: We must leave immediately!
LordK: But what about this mystery?
H: Good point. Tell you what. Hopefully this will only take a couple of weeks. Everybody just stay in this room until I get back.
LadyK: You want all 25 of us to stay in the sitting room for two weeks?
LordK: We can't do that!
H: I'll... have some sandwiches sent up or something.
H: Will you just trust me on this one, people?
LordK: Oh, alright.
W: I'm ready, Holmes.
H: Excellent. Time is of the essence, Watson. We can save ten seconds by going out this window instead of the front door.
(SFX: Two windows break, horses gallop away)
Announcer: 100 years later, we rejoin Jules and K.
Jules: How soon will they be here? We've been waiting for hours!
K: Here comes a carriage now!
(SFX: Carriage pulls up, stops)
Watson: What ho! Holmes, are these the two poets we've come to see?
H: Indeed! To my left, I deduce, is the estimable Mr. K.
W: He doesn't look very impressive.
H: He's not, but he's paying our bill.
W: Bully! And what about the fat one?
Jules: The fat one?
H: By process of elimination, Watson, it must be that... Hampton Sykes fellow.
Jules: My friends call me Jules.
H: You don't have friends, Mr. Hampton Sykes. One need not be a world-class detective to figure that one out. Watson, keep your distance, I fear he'll be a trifle dull.
Jules: Who are you calling dull? And what is that silly-looking hat you're wearing?
H: It's called a deerstalker, sir, and it's very comfortable.
K: Jules, these are the two men I telegrammed. They've come to help us find the Lost Kafka Notebooks.
Jules: These two? You must be joking.
K: Ahem. May I present the world's first consulting detective, Sherlock Holmes.
H: Pleased, sir.
K: And his loyal flunky, Watson.
Jules: (increduluous) Are you telling me that he's...
H: Indeed, sir. I who stand before you am the smartest man on earth.
Jules: This is impossible! How did you get here?
H: Amtrak. Bit of a rough ride across the Atlantic, I must say.
Jules: What I mean is, this is 1996! You two are from the late Victorian Age!
W: It was a pretty long trip.
H: Tut tut now, Mr. Hampton Sykes. I shall prove my existence using simple logic. Consider: If I were not here right now, could I do this to you?
(SFX: Various Three Stooges noises)
Jules: Aiigh! Alright, alright! Stop doing that and I'll believe you!
H: Excellent. Now, on to the business at hand. Mr. K, your telegram said something about you poets being after some notebooks.
K: Oh yes, Mr. Holmes!
H: Tell me your entire story from the beginning. Spare no detail!
Jules: Well, it all started back in Cafe Pathetique...
(SFX: Music rises and falls as if we were changing scenes)
Jules: And then you and Dr. Watson arrived.
H: I see. I see. Yes.
W: Holmes, old beanthis mystery looks too tangled for even you!
H: Nonsense, Watson. There can only be one solution! Gentlemen, follow me!
Jules: Where are we going?
H: The one incontrovertible place where the Lost Kafka Notebooks could be hidden!
K: You don't mean you've figured the whole thing out already?
H: Of course.
W: Bully! Good show.
H: (SFX: Goose honk) Look over there at that pond across the road. Do you see that goose over there?
Jules: (Doesn't see where H is going with this) Yes... what about it?
H: That's it!
Jules: What's it?
H: The goose! The goose is it.
Jules: Excuse me?
W: Bravo, Holmes! Brilliant as usual.
K: The goose? What are you talking about, Holmes?
H: It is very simple. My inexorable logic tells me that that goose must have swallowed the Notebooks.
Jules: Swallowed them?
H: Yes. Geese, uh, love to eat notebooks. Everybody knows that!
Jules: You're kidding.
K: I paid that bloodsucking you call a consulting fee for this?
Jules: What if you're wrong?
W: That's heresy! Let me take a poke at the plump little windbag!
H: Easy, Watson, easy. Mr. Hampton Sykes, get this straight. I am Sherlock Holmes. I am never wrong. If that goose didn't eat your notebooks, then it knows someone who did.
Jules: (doubtful) If you say so.
H: I do. If you want your notebooks, gentlemen, you have to catch that goose!
W: I've got the net!
K: Now we're getting somewhere!
H: Indeed! After it, people! It's flying away!
Announcer: And so, Jules, K, Holmes and Watson set about trying to capture the nefarious goose. But they had their work cut out for them chasing the wily avian. Their quest sent them across the globe. (SFX: Appropriate effects follow) By motorcycle from Floppy Junction to Florida. By airplane from Florida to Paris. By submarine from Paris underneath the polar ice cap to Fairbanks, Alaska. By sled dog from Fairbanks to Des Moines, Iowa. And back on motorcycle from Des Moines back to Floppy Junction.
H: Here we are!
Jules: (angry) What was the point of all that?! We're right back where we started!
(Holmes and Watson laugh)
W: April Fool!
H: We really had you going there.
Jules: I don't understand! All that was a joke?
K: Well, if something's funny, I don't see it. We spent a whole lot of time and effort chasing that wild(realizes something's wrong) that wild... (it hits him) wild goose chase.
Jules: Oh, I'm going to strangle you, Holmes.
K: All that work for a pun, a stupid little pun. I don't believe it.
H: Ha ha ha! Yes! Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Jules: But where are the Notebooks?
H: How should I know?
Jules: How should you know? You're Sherlock Holmes!
H: Yes, well, everyone's entitled to an off day now and then.
Jules: But we're paying you to solve the mystery for us!
K: Yes! You owe us an explanation!
H: Ah... It's too much work.
Jules: Too much work?!
H: Yes. Cases like yours quite tire me out. The process of deduction always takes something away from me.
Jules: (grumbles) I suppose that makes a certain amount of sense.
K: But you've given us nothing!
H: It was nothing for a man of my superior skills. Watson, chalk up another case unsolved for the great brain of Sherlock Holmes!
Jules: Well, somebody sure likes himself.
H: Unlike you, sir, I have nothing to be humble about. Now, my two poets, I've got to be going. Come, Watson! Time for your lithium.
W: Bully! Yum, yum, lithium!
Jules: Wait! Stop!
H: I'll send you my bill. Taxi! (SFX: Over next few lines, taxi pulls up, picks up H&W, and drives off. Barely audible, Holmes' line to the taxi driver is "1897, please, and step on it.")
Jules: No! Come back! K, you can't let them leave.
K: Oh, forget it , Jules. We're better off without them.
Jules: But what about all that wasted effort? We're right back where we started! It's so anticlimactic.
K: We'll just have to rely on our own resources.
Jules: You've gone mad!
K: Oh, stop that. If the two of us put our brains to the task, I bet we can do just as well as Sherlock Holmes, if he hadn't turned out to be a lazy jerk.
Jules: (sigh) Alright, alright... How do we start?
K: Hmmm... Let me think.
Jules: Take your time.
Announcer: Twelve and a half hours later...
K: I've got it!
K: No, wait, that won't work.
Jules: Keep thinking.
(SFX: River in background)
Leonard: Alone and left for dead by my ungrateful friends! It wasn't supposed to end like this! I'm a hero! I don't wanna die! At least it should be a meaningful death, like Kurt Cobain's. (sighs) My dad was always telling me I should learn to fend for myself. I should have listened to him. I wonder what he'd say if he were here? I can almost hear his voice...
Leonard's Dad: Hey! Turn that damn noise down! Didn't I tell you to mow the lawn? And get a haircut!
Leonard: For some reason that doesn't help. Oh, well. I'm gonna die slowly, painfully, and alone. At least things can't get any worse. (SFX: Huge thunderclap and rainstorm) Oh. Now's it's raining. At least things can't get any worse. (SFX: Rush of water) Oh my gosha flash flood! At least things can't get any worse. (SFX: Landslide rumble) Aaaigh! The flash flood is causing a sinkhole to open up right underneath me! I'm being swallowed up! Aaaaiigh! (SFX: He lands with a wet plop in a cave. There's an odd whistling sound much like ambient music slowed down, played backwards and run through a sound processor.) Ouch. I think I got another bruise. This sucks. I've got a bunch of owies, I'm trapped in a cave and abandoned by people I came to help, and I'm missing "The Brady Bunch." At least things can't get any worse.
Rollie: Well, well, well... If it isn't Leonard. Nice of you to drop in.
Leonard: Aaigh! Rollie and Bertyou survived the avalanche!
Bert: Haw haw haw! Hells' Angels are tougher than you think, kid.
Leonard: Well, at least things can't get any worse.
Announcer: Twelve and a half more hours later...
K: I've got it! I know how to find the Kafka Notebooks!
Jules: What, already? How?
K: It's so easy. Just think about what we already know about Gunther Kafka and it all falls into place.
Jules: It does?
K: Well... sort of. A bunch of this is guesswork.
Jules: Well, it's a start. Let's hear it.
K: OK. Gunther Kafka had one burning desire in life. He wanted to get revenge on Franz Kafka for being more famous and more talented than he was. In fact, he refused to die until he achieved his goal. Therefore he's still alive.
Jules: But he'd be 114 years old by now!
K: If a person really wants something, I mean really, really wants something, then even extreme old age can't stop him. Look at Bob Dole.
Jules: Hmmm... I guess I can buy that theory.
K: And Kafka has to know where his Notebooks are. The Notebooks are his life work, and his only chance to become more famous than Franz, since he couldn't do it on merit.
Jules: But in that case, where's Kafka now?
K: I've got a pretty good idea. To the motorcycle!
Jules: Well... OK.
(SFX: Cycle rev, fade out)
Announcer: As Jules and K rocket away, we return to the deep, dark cave where Bert and Rollie have Leonard trapped.
Leonard: What sort of place is this?
Rollie: It's a cave, dummy. Weren't you listening to the announcer?
Leonard: Yeah, but it doesn't sound like a normal cave. Do you hear that weird sound?
Bert: That's strange. What is that sound?
Rollie: I've got a theory. I figure that when we fell into this cavern, we actually passed through a trans-dimensional gateway into a plane of existence where traditional physics has no meaning. The space-time continuum has achieved a level of isometric contiguousness unheard-of in the normal, four-dimensional Einsteinian configurations.
Bert: That much is obvious. But what's that whistling sound?
Rollie: Must be the wind.
Bert: OK. Should we kill Leonard now?
Leonard: Are you gonna shoot me?
Rollie: (aghast) Of course not! We don't carry guns.
Leonard: Why not?
Rollie: It's a Second Amendment thing.
Bert: You don't know how hard it is to be a criminal and still obey the U.S. Constitution.
Leonard: I don't understand.
Rollie: Well, the Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms, see? That means that since guns have not been outlawed, then we, being outlaws, cannot carry guns.
Leonard: But if guns were outlawed, then you could?
Rollie: Exactly. That's why we have to use knives and clubs.
Leonard: Oh. That makes sense.
Rollie: We're not gonna kill you right away anyway, Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, good.
Rollie: Don't get me wrong. We are gonna kill you. But first we're gonna wait for your friends.
Leonard: Jules and K? Why would they come here?
Bert: Because of this!
Leonard: But that's just a rusty old metal box.
Rollie: Look inside.
Leonard: Well... OK. (SFX: Rusty creak) Ungh... These hinges are stuck. (SFX: Loud creak as box opens, then angelic voices) Oh, for cool! Wow!
Rollie: You know what that is, kid?
Leonard: Um... no. But it glows real neat.
Leonard: Uh... Let's see. It must be pretty special. Is it Elvis?
Leonard: Is it a rare, unreleased Lawrence Welk record?
Rollie: No. It's the Lost Kafka Notebooks, you dumb schmuck.
Leonard: You don't mean
Rollie: As luck would have it, the three of us fell into the very hiding place of the Lost Kafka Notebooks.
Leonard: The entire flimsy excuse for this whole set of shenanigans!
Bert: Eventually, Jules and K are bound to come here.
Rollie: When they do, we'll kill them, and you, and get rich from publishing the notebooks.
Leonard: You fiends!
Bert: Haw haw haw! Silence, you cringing vermin.
Rollie: There is nothing to do now but wait.
Bert: We sit here, like a spider in a web, waiting to break their spines.
Announcer: All looks dark for our protagonists. Except that K thinks he's figured out how to find Gunther Kafka. Oh, and the fact that Leonard found the Lost Notebooks. Oh, and also the fact that Leonard isn't really injured from his fall off the cliff. Other than that, things look pretty shaky indeed for our heroes. Trouble ahead. Trouble behind. Yes, trouble, trouble, trouble, so thick you could add chili peppers and jalapenos and bottle it as salsa. But no matter what crazy antics are yet to unfold, we can promise you one thing: It'll all get wrapped up next time in episode four. Be sure to tune in for the exciting conclusion of Jules and K Stanza X: The Lost Kafka Notebooks.
END PART III
Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV