"Jules & K, Stanza IX: The Love Bloat"  The Recording Script • Written and directed by Christopher Bahn. Copyright 1996. • Episode 33 (1997 Edition) of the radiodrama series Where Threads Come Loose • Originally broadcast on KUOM-AM February 1996. • Engineered by Dan Grothe and Christopher Bahn Cast • Jules, K's father, Father O'Flaherty: Tony Pagel • K, Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Christopher Bahn • Dave: Dan Grothe • Wanda: Kari Vrabel • Oscar Goldman: Adam Pagel Author's Notes • Not a bad show in and of itself, but it should've been a two-parter—I cut the story short to get it into the studio quickly. Four characters disappeared from an early draft: Bert and Rollie, who you meet in "The Lost Kafka Notebooks"; Wanda's grandmother, a sweet and dotty old woman who runs a rival café and who was going to be the Road Runner to Surly's Wile E. Coyote; and Bernice, a mousy girl who was going to be Jules' love interest. And in case you were wondering, yes, I set up the opening segment entirely so I could make the pun. SCENE I: Cafe Pathetique Announcer: Love. Exciting and new. Come aboard—we're expecting you! Yes, come to Cafe Pathetique, where our poets Jules and K are about to take a crash course in the meter and scansion of romance the Where Threads Come Loose way. Enter if you dare, listener, the emotion-drenched radio landscape that is—The Love Bloat. Jules: This is really quite boring, you know. K: Yes. It's dark in here. Art by Dan Grothe & Christopher Bahn Jules: Why don't you let us out? Surly Coffeeshop Employee: It's an experiment. You'll have to figure your own way out. Dave: (rings bell for service) Hey, could I get some coffee over here? Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Ah, wait your turn, buddy. I'm conducting an experiment in sociology. Dave: Oh, no. What are you up to this time? Surly Coffeeshop Employee: I got Jules and K trapped inside this gigantic paper bag. I want to see how long it takes them to get out of it. Jules: Is that Dave? K: Hello, Dave! Jules: Could you be a pal and buy me an espresso? I left my wallet outside the bag. Dave: How did you guys let yourselves me tricked into this? K: It's not our fault, Dave. The surly coffeeshop employee is much smarter than we are. Jules: Yes. He's got a God-given American right to exploit weaker people like anybody else. Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Spoken like a true Nietzschean. Heh heh heh! Dave: (angry) Listen—you stop this silliness right now and let them out. They could suffocate in there! Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Jeez, you're a spoilsport. It's not like I didn't give them a way out of the bag. I gave 'em a couple of pencils. Sharpened and everything. The hallmark of Man the Toolmaker is his ability to use objects creatively in strange situations. Dave: I've got it! Jules, K—use the pencils to rip your way out of the bag! Jules: Don't be silly, Dave! K: We'd waste paper that way! Jules: We're going to write poems on the inside of the bag. K: Later, they'll make us famous! And then we'll be free! Jules: Yes—they don't let talented poets stay under wraps for long! Dave: Jules, K—don't be fools! You can't write your way out of a paper bag! Jules: Nonsense! Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Heh heh heh heh... Dave: You cruel man! You've got to let them out! Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Goody-two-shoes. Dave: I can't help it. I was raised by my parents to be a normative influence on my surroundings. Surly Coffeeshop Employee: And I suppose you want me to just rip the bag open and let 'em go, eh? Dave: (firmly) No, I also want you to be nice to them. Surly Coffeeshop Employee: What? I can't do—Oh, alright, alright... (Paper rips) Jules: Say! I was in the middle of a stanza right there! Surly Coffeeshop Employee: It's OK. Your poems have been, um... sold. Jules: Sold! Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Um... yes. They've been sold to a private art collector who wants to remain completely anonymous. He wants to take your poetry home and experience it completely alone. So you can get out of the bag now and you don't have to have your feelings hurt. Jules: You're lying, aren't you? K: You're lying to make us feel better. Surly Coffeeshop Employee: That's not true! I'm lying because I don't want you to know that I'm just going to stuff that paper bag in the garbage incinerator when the coffeeshop is closed. Jules: Oh. Well, that's fine then. K: Dave, let's grab a table. We'll read you some of the wonderful work we just made. Dave: No, that's OK. Jules: Dave, that's just like you to go along slavishly with the majority opinion that our poetry is unpleasant to hear. Fine. I'll just fold up the bag and then go sulk. Dave: Jules, come back. (no response) Drat. K: You're sure you don't want to hear the poetry? Dave: Yes. I really don't want to hurt your feelings, but— K: But Dave, you must! My only sense of personal validation comes from my poetry! If you don't like my poetry then I can't tell if you're really my friend or not! Dave: (patience nearing its end) K, you need to get out more often. K: I get out plenty! Dave: You do not. You come to the coffeeshop every day for hours, but you have your nose in that little black poetry journal the whole time. When's the last time you were on a date? K: A... a what? Dave: A date, K. When's the last time you tried to get into a relationship? K: Um... It was, um, this, um, afternoon. Dave: Oh, come on. K: Yes. This very afternoon. Dave: You were sitting right here at this table with me all afternoon. I only left to go mail a letter. K: Oh. Damn, you're right. Dave: You're the worst liar I've ever seen. Jules: Good evening, gentlemen. I'm back from a most refreshing sulk. What were you two talking about? Dave: K's love life. Jules: He's got one? K: Shut up, Jules! Dave: You never answered my question, K. When's the last time you went on a date? K: Um... well... It's 1995 now, so it must be, um... Jules: Oh, enough with the hem-and-hawing. I'll just look in his diary! K: Hey! Give me that back! Jules: Here's the entry for today: "Dear Diary: When, oh, when, will I feel the cool, soothing touch of woman's lips? O cruel fate! To live all my years without going on dates!" K: Give me that back right now! Dave: OK, Jules. No need to rub it in. Jules: Oh, K, K, K, K... that's so sweet and virginal of you. K: Listen, fat boy, at least I don't make women cringe every time I walk by! Jules: That's not true! They only cringe most of the time! Not every single time, as some nefarious character assassins would have it! Dave: When was the last time you went on a date, Jules? Jules: None of your business. (pause) K, get your filthy hands off my diary! (they struggle for it) Dave: Here, here, give me that diary. I don't even think I need a direct answer from you, Jules. You both need girlfriends. K: But who'd date us, Dave? Um, that is, I mean who'd date him. Dave: I don't know, K. I just don't know. Wanda: Excuse me—could I get a double espresso, please? Surly Coffeeshop Employee: It's fifty cents less for last week's batch. Wanda: No, fresh please. Surly Coffeeshop Employee: Suit yourself. Jules: Oh, my goodness—look! Don't look like you're looking—just look! K: Isn't that Wanda? From our intro to poetry class? Jules: Of course it is—I mean, yes, I think so. She sits in the front row. And she wears the most intoxicating perfume... (coughs) Not that I make a point of noticing that sort of thing, of course. K: Wanda... Oh, she's beautiful. Dave: You like her, don't you? K: Don't you think she's lovely, Dave? Oh, I could write an ode right now! Dave: Look, she's sitting down at the table by the window. Why don't you go ask her out? K: Oh my God! No, no, no, no, I couldn't. I'm getting the shivers again. Dave: K, I know how awkward it feels, but you've got to start sometime. Do you think she likes you? K: Um... well... Jules: Oh, come now, K. She told you she liked your last poem. K: That's true. Dave: Sounds promising, K. Wanda: K! Hello, how are you! K: Oh my god, she's coming over here! Jules: I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go off on another sulk now. Dave: Jules, what's your problem? Jules: I don't have a problem! I'm perfectly well-adjusted, and if I want to avoid potentially intimidating situations by pretending as if certain people never existed, well... it's a charming eccentricity. Dave: OK, OK. See you in a couple of minutes. You know what, K, I think I'll go mail another letter. You and Wanda can talk alone for a few minutes. K: What? No! Dave: Good luck, killer. K: Dave, don't leave me! I'm starting to sweat! In the name of Christian justice... Oh, drat. Wanda: Hi, K. K: Hi, Wanda. Wanda: I enjoyed the haiku you read in class today. K: Really? The one about "The Andy Griffith Show"? Wanda: Yes. It had a strong theme, yet was touchingly vulnerable. It revealed a deep emotional insight into human nature. K: Wow. Um... thanks. Wanda: Could you read it again? K: Um... sure. I admire Don Knotts/His portrayal of Barney/Fife was impressive. Wanda: Oh, K, that was wonderful! It even gets the right number of syllables into each line. You've never been able to do that before! You're really growing into a mature artist. K: Gosh... um, thanks. Wanda: Why, K, you're blushing! K: Um, no! No, no, no.... It's just, um, very damp in here. And hot. Hot and damp. Oh, god! I need some air! Wanda: K, it's alright. Just take a deep breath. K: (breathes) There. I'm alright now. Sorry. Wanda: You're so sweet. Say, I never got a chance to put cream in my coffee. Could you pass the cream? K: Sure. There you go. Wanda: Would you pass the sugar? K: There you are. Wanda: Thanks. I like my coffee with lots of cream and sugar—oh, and cinnamon. Would you pass the cinnamon and go to a movie with me? K: Sure, here you—what? Wanda: Pass the cinnamon, I said. K: No, no, after that. Wanda: Oh, you mean, go to a movie with me? K: Yes. Wanda: Wonderful! I'll pick you up at 7, then. K: Wait, wait, wait, please—did you just ask me out? Wanda: Yes, K. K: On a date? Wanda: Yes, K. K: You mean like, um, like boys and girls are supposed to—I mean, like I've heard people sometimes—we're going to— Wanda: Yes, K. And you accepted, which was awfully sweet of you. I'll see you at 7. Bye! K: But—but—oh dear, she's gone... Dave! Dave, come here! Something's just happened. Dave: I heard the whole thing, K. Good for you! It's about time. K: But—but—but— Dave: K, calm down! It's a good thing, isn't it? K: Well, yes, but... Dave: But nothing. K, you've been asked out on a date, and you're just going to have to get used to the idea. K: But—but— Dave: Look. Go home. Get out something nice to wear. Here's five bucks. You can stop at a flower shop on the way home and get a rose. She'll like that. K: She will? Dave: She will. Trust me. K: Will you come along tonight? I can't face this alone. Dave: K, sometimes a man has to stand on his own two feet. K: Are you sure? I'd much rather use six or seven borrowed feet instead of my own. Dave: No, K. You've got to be a man. K: Well, I've never done that before, but—Alright. I'll give it a try. Dave: That's all I ask, K. Tell me how it goes. K: Thanks, Dave. I'll see you later. Jules: Another tremendously gratifying sulk! I do so enjoy a good solid chance to mope and pout like the sullen teenager I otherwise deny I behave like. Where's K going? Dave: A date. Jules: What? You're kidding. Dave: Nope. Jules: Good heavens. Well, it's about time! Who's it with? Dave: Wanda. Jules: Wa--... Wa--... What? Dave: With Wanda. Jules: With Wanda! Dave: With Wanda. Jules: Oh, no. No, no, no, I refuse to accept this. Dave: Oh, come on, Jules. It's not the end of the world. Jules: Close enough. Dave: Jules, I went to a lot of trouble to get those two together. Jules: You did? Dave: Yes. Jules: Dave, you can't let him do this! Dave: Jules, he's your friend. Don't you want him to be happy? Jules: Of course not! Dave: Jules, you're talking crazy. Jules: I have my reasons. Dave: (disbelief) Like what? Jules: She's nothing but a common tramp! She's like the devil incarnate! She's full of deceitfully deceptive deceit, as all women are! Dave: You're raving, Jules. Jules: Nonsense. This is ranting. And K and Wanda cannot go out together, they just simply absolutely positively can't. Never never never. She's a tramp and she'll break his heart. Dave: I've known Wanda for years. She's a very nice person. Why did you say that awful thing about her? Jules: Because she wouldn't go out with me. Dave: Oh, that makes perfect sense. Jules: Don't you disparage my logic just because it isn't as clean and crisp as regular logic! I'm an artist. I serve a higher truth! That entitles me to unreasonable fits of passion that besmirch the good name of the people around me. Dave: (sigh) Why don't you tell me what happened, Jules. Jules: Alright. Just let me get out this harp. Well, it was about a month and a half ago, here in the cafe... (Harp glissando) Jules: Good heavens—it's Wanda, from my intro to poetry class! Thank heavens that blasted K isn't here to cramp my style. Jules Hampton Sykes is on the prowl! Meow! (Sexy music starts up) Jules: Hey snooks, howzabout you and me? Wanda: Who are you? Jules: Jules Hampton Sykes! Wanda: Who? Jules: Jules Hampton Sykes. Wanda: I'm sorry. Have we met? Jules: Ha! You're being coy. How quaint. If we had but world enough, and time, this coyness, lady, were no crime. Wanda: Oh, god.... you're that obnoxious thing from my poetry class. Jules: The very same! So what about it, baby? How about you and me go paint the town red? Wanda: Not in this lifetime. Jules: It doesn't have to be red. Blue, if you like. Or green. Just name the color, I'll supply the paint! Latex paint, of course. Wanda: You pig! Get away from me this instant! Jules: You're not being very constructive. Wanda: Go away. Jules: Don't I make your heart beat faster? Wanda: No. Jules: Don't I make your lungs expand with the heady air of romance, your spleen do... um... whatever a spleen does, but kind of more sexy? Wanda: That does it. (SFX: splash) Jules: Argh! Hot espresso! Right in the eyes! And it's from last week, too. Wanda: Now stop behaving like a complete chump and go back to your own table. Jules: Alright, alright.... (Harp glissando) Jules: So there you have it. She behaved completely inappropriately. Dave: Oh, Jules.... Jules: What? What? Everybody I tell this story to acts as if I'm completely wrongheaded about it, and I'm just plain tired of it! Dave: Oh, you'll never learn, will you? Jules: That's it! I'm going off for an extremely long sulk now! You won't see me again ever ever ever! Dave: Fine, fine. I'll see you tomorrow. Jules: Yes. (pause) Say... what movie were they going to, anyway? Just curious, you understand. Dave: I dunno, it was some H.P. Lovecraft story set in a gas station. Jules: Ah, yes—"The Unleaded." Dave: Yeah. You're not going to do anything stupid, are you? Jules: Dave, you judge me unfairly. Dave: I guess you're right. See you later. SCENE II: K's house Announcer: Half an hour later, at K's house. K: Father! Father! You've got to help! K's Father: What is it, you little punk? I'm watchin' "American Gladiators." K: I've been asked on a date! K's Father: Oh my stars! This is terrible! You didn't accept, did you? K: I couldn't help it, father... I was weak. K's Father: Oh, no. I dreaded the day this would happen... (sobs) My little boy.... K: Can you give me some advice, father? K's Father: You've come to the right source, son. I know women like nobody knows women. Sit down on the couch. K: OK, I've got my notebook. Fire away. K's Father: First of all, you've got to understand that everything modern science tells you is a blatant lie perpetrated by the feminist revolution. Why, those smarty-pants science fellers say that females are members of the exact same species as men! K: Aren't they? K's Father: You don't know a thing about evolution, kid, and neither do those dang biologists. When I was a kid, my daddy told me that women were descended from giant redwood trees, and men were descended from enomous prehistoric insects that had poisonous stingers. K: Good heavens! K's Father: Yep. He told me that one summer day in 1957, just before he passed out in the front lawn. He said it had something to do with the birds and the bees, but I never figured out what he meant exactly by that. I mean, what do birds have to do with anything? K: That sounds a little bit, um, confused. K's Father: Con-sarn it, son! Don't you be doubting what your grandfather told me! K: But— K's Father: Now, we both know that most of what he said were the nonsense ravings of an uncommitted lunatic, but he's family, dag nab it, and we've got to act as if he knew what he was talking about, or our entire lives will be revealed to be the cheap, pathetic mess that our neighbors always say it is behind our backs! K: Yes. (pause) Giant prehistoric insects. Let me write that down. K's Father: OK, here's another thing. If you absolutely have to talk with her— K: You mean I can't even speak to her? K's Father: It's a bad idea. K: Why? K's Father: Because if any of the air that you breathe should mingle with the air she breathes— K: Yes? K's Father: Well... Well, that's how babies are made, son. K: Or what will happen? K's Father: You heard me, boy. Don't breathe at her, or you'll get stuck with a thankless, no-talent child like I did. K: But, father... that's not how that works. K's Father: Of course it's how it works! K: No it isn't. K's Father: Listen, kid, I've been around the block a few times, and I know a thing or two about the birds and the bees. You see, women are full of pollen, and— K: I'm sorry, father, but I'm absolutely sure that that's not how babies are made. I've... well, I've done a little research on it in my, ahem, spare time. For purely scientific reasons of course. K's Father: What kind of research? K: Well, I went to the public library and got some rather startling information out of an old copy of Reader's Digest. K's Father: Reader's Digest? Why, that's an incontrovertible font of wisdom! What did it say? K: It's fairly explosive... I'd better whisper it to you. (whispers) K's Father: Uh huh... really?... And what do you do with your hands? ... really? ... but wouldn't you get all sweaty? ... no kidding! ... That's incredible, K! Are you sure it's true? K: Yes. I checked the story out with the local zookeeper, and he assured me that the facts were substantially correct, and that I was, well... normal. K's Father: So you're saying that your mother and I... we, uh... K: Yes. K's Father: Good heavens. (pause) I wonder when that happened.... Are you sure it was your mother? K: As I understand the process, only my mother could have given birth to me. K's Father: That certainly seems unfair. All things considered, I'm sure she'd rather that somebody else had gotten stuck with the job. K: Father! What a horrible thing to say! K's Father: Ah, whadda you care, kid? This ain't any of your business! K: Yes, father. K's Father: Listen... If there's no way you can back out now, we might as well get ready for it. Come upstairs, and I'll get you set up in the suit I wore when I got married. K: But father, you're six-foot-five and 350 pounds. I only weigh 135. K's Father: No backtalk! That suit cost me $49.95—and it was the height of fashion back in 1973. You'll wear it and like it. K: Yes, father. K's Father: Let's see, what else... Ah! Here's my top hat and opera cape. That'll add a dash of panache. K: Yes, father. K's Father: And here—wearing these swim fins instead of regular shoes will make her think you've got a sense of humor. K: If you say so, father. K's Father: Oh, here's another thing you can wear... (adlibs, fades into scene-change music) SCENE II and a half: Jules: So, K thinks he can date Wanda even if she asks him out? He'll think twice after I'm through. A couple of quick telephone calls should change his mind. (SFX: dialing) Hello? Is this K's father? It's Jules Hampton Sykes. Do you remember me? (Pause) Yes, the fat one, if you must put it that way... I thought you might be interested in seeing your son's behavior on his first date. (pause) Oh, good. He and Wanda are going to the 8:00 showing of "The Unleaded" at the Giganto-Multiplex 18. I was thinking that perhaps you wouldn't mind sitting behind him and offering fatherly advice where necessary. (pause) Yes, exactly—"nookie tips." So you'll be there? (pause) Wonderful! See you there. Goodbye. (SFX: hangup) Ha ha! I'll make my dear friend K unhappy if it's the last thing I do! I feel like one of those catty "bad girls" on Melrose Place. Now to call K's priest... Father Flanagan, I think he's called. SCENE III: The Big Date. Announcer: Later, in Wanda's car on the way to the movie theater. (Inside car ambience. Highway in bg) Wanda: Love your suit, K. K: Oh—thank you. My father sort of threw it together for me. Wanda: Between you and me, I think you could lose the top hat. And the Groucho glasses. K: Um... alright. (long pause) Wanda: Are you OK, K? You seem a little nervous. K: Nervous? Nervous? Why would I be nervous? (nervous, forced laughter) You know... just between you and me, I haven't done this dating thing very often. In fact I guess I've never done it. Wanda: Really? K: You couldn't tell? Wanda: K, if you hadn't told me, I would have thought you've been dating for at least several months. You sure had me fooled. K: Wow... You're not just saying that, are you? Like a little white lie to make me feel at ease? Wanda: K, I have no motive to lie like that. K: Oh. (relieved) OK, then! I've, um, I've read that it's a good idea on this sort of occasion to... well... sort of kind of get to know the other person that you're with. As it were. Wanda: That sounds like a good idea. K: Yes. Wanda: Well, then. K: A good idea, then, you think? Wanda: Yes. K, you don't have to be so nervous. I won't bite. K: You won't? Wanda: No. K: Oh. Good. Wanda: Unless you want me to, that is. K: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, thank you, that is, I don't believe that will be necessary. Wanda: I tell you what. We'll get to know each other by having a conversation. K: Do you really think that's wise? I mean, we hardly know each other, and that seems awfully forward. Wanda: No, K, it's alright. Just trust me. K: OK. Wanda: We'll start small. Why don't you tell me about your philosophy of life and humanity's place in the universe. K: Oh, existential angst! Wanda: Is that too deep for you? Gosh, I know all about that. It's the first time I've felt in my element all evening. Wanda: Imagine that. Well, you go first. K: I like to live each day as if it were the last one I'd spend on Earth. Wanda: Live for today! That's a wonderful philosophy. K: I don't know. Mostly it consists of wringing my hands and saying "God, no! I'm too young! I need more time!" Wanda: I think you're approaching it the wrong way, K. K: But it's what they told me to do in this self-help book. Wanda: Self-help book? Let me see that... K: Here. Wanda: K, I don't think you can trust what this author tells you. I think he's just trying to keep you neurotic so you'll keep spending your money on self-help books. K: How can you say that? Wanda: Because this book is titled "How To Remain Neurotic So You'll Keep Spending Your Money On Self-Help Books." K: It's full of wise ways to live your life. I know because it says so on the back cover. Wanda: I'm throwing it away. K: What? No! Wanda: You need to think for yourself. K: I do! I'm not a mindless slave to social trends! At least, I wasn't after reading that book. Well, not very much, anyway. Wanda: (sighs) We'll discuss this later. Come on. We're going to be late for the movie. SCENE IV: The theater Announcer: Ten minutes later, inside the Giganto-Multiplex 18. K: How about this row? Wanda: Sure. K: Excuse me... excuse me... excuse me... Here we are. K's Father: K! How are you, lad! K: Father! K's Father: How's your date going, son? Hubba hubba? K: What are you doing here? K's Father: Oh, I just felt like seeing a movie, so I drove down to the multiplex. I just happened to sit behind you out of sheer coincidence. Amazing luck, huh? K: Very amazing. Wanda: K, you look pale. K: No, no, I'm fine, fine, but let's move down a couple of rows, OK? Wanda: OK. K: Excuse me... excuse me... excuse me... Here we are. Father Flanagan: Bless me Irish soul! If it isn't young Mr. K, sittin' in the row ahead of me! K: Father Flanagan! Wanda: Who's that, K? K: It's my priest! Father Flanagan: I haven't seen you in the confessional lately, me boy. Not since you confided in me about the time you— K: I'll be in first thing tomorrow! Wanda: The time you what? K: Nothing, nothing. Let's move down a couple of rows, OK? I don't want to sit in front of my priest on my first date either. Wanda: OK. K: Excuse me... excuse me... excuse me... Here we are. Jules: K, hello! K: Jules!? Jules: And if it isn't Wanda! My, you're looking ravishing good enough to eat! Wanda: You're that fat little creep from the cafe! Jules: Oh, stop playing hard to get. Once you get to know me, you'll soon learn that I'm a 16-cylinder sex machine! Wanda: Ugh—take that! Jules: Argh! A take-out cup of hot espresso right in the eyes! (tastes) but it's fresh this time! You're warming up to my sweet song of love. Wanda: I don't want to talk to you. K: Jules! What are you doing here? Jules: Oh, just watching a movie. Purely by chance, I happened to choose the very film you and Wanda came to see on your first date. K: You came down here to make me nervous, didn't you! You want this date to go badly so you can ask Wanda out yourself! Wanda: If that's your plan, Jules, forget it. If you were the last man on Earth, I'd build a spaceship and fly to Mars. Jules: You wrong me unfairly! If I wanted to make you nervous, would I have called up your father and your priest and told them to sit behind you in the theater? K: You did that? Jules: Oh—damn! I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Wanda: K, you look a little pale. K: Listen, there are too many people I know here... Maybe we should just take a rain check, huh? Wanda: K, is that really necessary? Jules: Ha! I win! Dave: (intercom) Attention Giganto-multiplex patrons: A winning lottery ticket has been found in the parking lot on the Greyhound bus bound for Cleveland. If it is yours, please run out to the bus right now and claim it. (A massive tumult as everyone in the theater but K and Wanda runs out) Dave: K, you're on your own. K: Thanks, Dave. Wanda: Hm! Everyone's gone. K: My god—you're right! Wanda: What do you think about that, K? K: Um... I think this is the first time I've ever been alone in a room with a woman. Wanda: Really? Any plans, K? K: (long pause) Is it warm in here, or is it me? (SFX: Door bursts open) Oscar Goldman: Wanda! Wanda: Oscar! K: Who the hell are you? Oscar Goldman: Hello, Mr. K. My name is Oscar Goldman. I'm with the Office of Strategic Information. K: What do you mean by interrupting us like this? Wanda: K, it's alright. K: What do you mean, it's alright? The federal government was spying on my first kiss! This is just like Ruby Ridge, except all the details are different! Oscar Goldman: Wanda, it's an emergency. Wanda: Another international crisis? Oscar Goldman: You've got it. The president of the former Soviet republic of Urkelstan is threatening a campaign of anti-American terrorism if we don't grant his government complete syndication rights to the hit television program "Family Matters." Wanda: The brute! He must be stopped. He who controls the flow of quality American television programming, controls the world! Oscar Goldman: Wanda, we need you to infiltrate the Urkelstani government and negate his invidious scheme, for the glory of Uncle Sam! Here's a passport in the name of "Helen Anchovy." Wanda: Thanks. I'll need weapons. Oscar Goldman: Here's a wristwatch you can also use as a thermonuclear device. And a pair of eyeglasses that shoot real bullets. And a coupon that gives you 25% off the egg breakfast at participating Denny's restaurants. Wanda: Excellent. What about— K: Will somebody please tell me what's going on? Wanda: Oh, K, I'm sorry... Sit down. I've got a confession to make. K: Um... alright. Wanda: K, I was having a wonderful time tonight. But I'm afraid I must go now. K: Why? Wanda: You see, I'm not the college freshman I pretended to be. K: I thought you were a junior. Wanda: No, I just said that so I could get into bars. I'm really a covert government operative. My true identity is known only to the president, the secretary of defense, and of course R&B record producer Jimmy Jam. K: Good heavens! Oscar Goldman: Wanda—I'm sorry, but time is of the essence. We've got a helicopter waiting. (SFX: Helicopter comes down) K: But we're inside a building! How'd you fit a helicopter in here? Oscar Goldman: We're a government intelligence agency, Mr. K. We don't have to obey the laws of physics. Wanda: I must go now, K. I'm sorry things turned out this way. K: Me too. Wanda: If it's any consolation, K... I really did like your poetry. (SFX: Helicopter flies off) K: Goodbye... Jules: K, there wasn't any kind of lottery ticket on that bus! I got off just in time. Everyone else will have to visit the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame, I guess. What was that helicopter all about? Where's Wanda? K: She's gone. Jules: Gone? She just went away in the middle of your date? Why? K: Reasons of national security. Jules: Eh? K: She's not really a college student. She's a secret agent who specializes in neutralizing terrorists bent on stealing our country's most popular television programming. Jules: The brutes! Thank heaven she's there to protect us! K: But Jules— Jules: Oh, dear. Don't be sad, K. I'm sure that sort of thing happens all the time. K: Oh, Wanda, Wanda, Wanda... I would have liked to love you, but I was just a kid. The candle burned out long before the legend ever did. Jules: Chin up, K! Tomorrow is another day! K: It is? Jules: Of course! If it weren't, why would they put each day in a different box on calendars? K: I suppose you're right. Jules: Listen, K. Why don't you come over and watch cable TV. K: Home Shopping? Jules: Anything you want! You can learn everything you need to about the world from cable TV. K: It's like life, except that you don't actually have to experience any of it yourself. Jules: Indeed, K. So it's a date? K: What? Oh, no, no, it's a mutual decision between two platonic heterosexual males of the same age and interest group to spend time together since otherwise we'd be so horribly bored we'd turn slowly mad and think we were wombats. Jules: Same thing. (SFX: Fade out to credits starts here) I wonder if they've got any more of that cubic zirconium stuff? K: Gosh, I hope so. Just looking at it, you can tell it's almost gemstone quality. Jules: That's one thing I love about those shopping channels—they won't lie to you about quality.