Where Threads Come Loose
"Sherlock Holmes and the Very Incredible Case of the Visible Man, Part I and Part II

The Recording Script

• See Part I
Announcer: Last time on Where Threads Come Loose, we followed the adventures of sage, savant and sleuth Sherlock Holmes and his friendly, floundering flunky Dr. John Watson. As you may recall, they'd been called in by Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard to help apprehend one of the craftiest villains Holmes has ever faced—the Dread Jaywalker of Iping Village, who crosses the street lawlessly as often as two dozen times a day, striking fear and loathing into the hearts of the common folk. And I can hear those of you at home asking yourselves the same question I did: How can this evil be perpetrated? Well, in a surprise revelation in the last episode, it turns out the guy is invisible! He can cross as often as he wants and nobody can see him! How 'bout that one, huh? That's what I call a plot twist. Let's rejoin Holmes, Watson and Lestrade as they seek an explanation of who this desperado is, and how it's possible that he's invisible.

Art by Audry Wolters
SCENE V: A horse-drawn carriage
(SFX: Inside a horse-drawn carriage)

Watson: How is it possible, Holmes?

Holmes: It's not possible, Watson. The jaywalker is obviously pulling an elaborate ruse.

Lestrade: But the announcer just got done saying—

Holmes: I don't care, Lestrade. Being invisible is against the laws of physics.

Lestrade: Oh.

Watson: Well, that settles that.

Lestrade: Say, here's a thought—how can we be sure we have enough evidence to convict him?

Holmes: You're right—there can't be any eyewitnesses if nobody can see him. Perhaps we should do some research to see if there's any link with previous crimes. That way, we might be able to find out who he is.

Lestrade: A capital idea! I know just the place.

Watson: Where's that?

Lestrade: Back at Scotland Yard. Gentlemen, come with me to the station and we can look through all the case files a man could want.

Watson: Good gracious—it's like Christmas!

Holmes: Yes, an excellent idea! Driver! Turn the coach around!

(SFX: Scene-changin' music)

SCENE VI: Scotland Yard
Lestrade: Here we are, gentlemen—this is the place I'm looking for. (SFX: Door knock) Hello? It's Inspector Lestrade!

(SFX: Bank vault door opens with a creak. It would be nice if for the rest of the scene, we could get some echo on everyone's voices.)

Lestrade: Holmes, meet the division chief.

Curator: This is Orson Welles, speaking from London.

Holmes: Excuse me?

Lestrade: (whisper) Humor him, Holmes... he always says that.

Curator: The room in which you are now standing is the famous—or should I say infamous—evidence room of London's crack police force, Scotland Yard. It is known informally by a far pithier sobriquet: The Black Museum. (SFX: Suspense horns.)

Holmes: Yeeeessssssss.... We're looking for links to a possible—

Curator: Inside the Black Museum are contained hundreds of items connected with foul and bloody deeds. Take this, for example. An ordinary paper clip. It's a standard one, such as you might use to bind documents together or link together in a long chain when you're trying to avoid getting real work done. But this is no ordinary paper clip, despite what I just said a couple of sentences ago. Because this ordinary paper clip was used to commit... a murder. (Suspense horns)

Holmes: Listen, we don't really have time for this right now... We're trying to find evidence of previous jaywalking we can link to a current case.

Curator: I see... In that case, you shall have to sign a requisition form.

Holmes: Fine. Just bring it out, and —

Curator: Do you need a pen?

Holmes: Uh, no, I've got one here—

Curator: Because I have one here. An ordinary ballpoint pen. Such as you might use to write things with. But this particular pen holds a special place of honor in the Black Museum, for it was used to commit... a murder. (Suspense horns)

Holmes: Ah... thank you. That'll do just fine.

Curator: Here's the requisition form, sir.

Holmes: Lestrade, could you help me fill this out? I haven't seen one of these before.

Lestrade: Certainly, Holmes! It's not too hard once you've filled them out a couple of times.

Curator: Indeed not—it is simply an everyday requisition form. I've used similar ones many times myself. Sometimes two or three at once. But this form was used to commit... a murder. (Suspense horns)

Holmes: Do you have anything here that wasn't used to commit a murder?

Curator: Good question. Let me look around... Ah, yes. Here. A knife. An ordinary knife, such as—

Holmes: Look, just skip the description, please.

Curator: Very well. This knife was used to commit—a stabbing.

Holmes: But not a murder.

Curator: No. Although the victim died of the injuries.

Holmes: So it was used for murder.

Curator: Yes. This knife was used to commit—a murder. (Suspense horns)

Holmes: Forget it. Lestrade, Watson, let's go.

Watson: But we might find something useful here, Holmes!

Holmes: We're simply wasting our time.

Curator: You could measure all the time your wasting with this wristwatch. It's no different than thousands of other wristwatches, having been clasped around the wrist and used, for instance, to tell the time with.

Holmes: Watson, do you have your pistol?

Watson: Yes, Holmes.

Holmes: Give it here.

Curator: But this wristwatch was used to commit... a mur-- (SFX: Gunshot)

Lestrade: Holmes, you've killed him!

Holmes: Yep. Let's go.

Watson: Can I have my gun back?

Holmes: No, I don't think so, Watson. I think I should just leave it here it the Black Museum.

Watson: That's true. After all, you did just use it to commit... a murder. (Suspense horns)

Holmes: Yes. That particular Citizen Kane not bother us any more. Come, Lestrade. Shut the door on your way out.

(SFX: Bank door vault closes)

SCENE VII: 145 Claude Rains Place
Holmes: Ah—here's the address we're looking for: 145 Claude Rains Place. This is where the Baker Street Irregulars told me the criminal is holed up.

Watson: Now we'll get to the bottom of this, eh, Holmes?

Holmes: I hope so. Here goes nothing.

(SFX: Doorbell rings, door opens)

Grimm: (muffled voice, until he removes his bandages) Hello?

Holmes: A good day to you, sir. My name is Sherlock Holmes, master detective. This is my companion Dr. John Watson, and this is Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard, who has at his beck and call several large violence-prone sergeants waiting in the bar down the street in case we need them.

Grimm: Hello! Delighted to meet you.

Holmes: We're looking for a... a jaywalker, sir. Do you know anything about it?

Grimm: Know anything? Why, I am the jaywalker! You gentlemen come right on in.

Holmes: Oh—why, thank you.

Grimm: Would anyone like some tea?

Holmes: Ah... no, thank you.

Watson: I say, Holmes, that was easy.

Holmes: Yes. Ahem. Ah, sir? You don't seem terribly worried.

Grimm: No... Why should I be?

Lestrade: You do realize we're about to arrest you.

Grimm: Ha ha... Well, I realize you're going to try.

Lestrade: Such impertinence! I don't believe I caught your name, sir.

Grimm: I don't believe I offered it.

Lestrade: Fair enough. If I may make so bold to ask, sir: Why are you all bandaged up like that? Were you horribly disfigured in an accident recently? Or are you, perhaps, just plain ugly?

Grimm: (laughs politely) Ha ha ha... No, no. But thank you for phrasing the question with such... feeling. No, I'm not disfigured—I'm un-figured! I'm an invisible man!

Lestrade: Impossible!

Grimm: Oh, I assure you it's possible. I wear these bandages so the world may not see my invisible flesh.

Lestrade: But Holmes says it can't be done!

Grimm: Oh, really, Mr. Holmes?

Holmes: (mock bashfulness) It was merely an elementary scientific deduction.

Grimm: It's nothing of the kind. It's a base slander on my work as a mad scientist!

Holmes: Mad scientist, you say? That strikes a chord...

Grimm: Eh?

Holmes: You know, your voice sounds familiar to me. Have we met before?

Grimm: Ummm.... No comment. Besides, even if we had met once, you wouldn't know my face now—because you'd look right through it!

Holmes: Oh, stop this silly pretense, will you? Invisibility is impossible.

Grimm: (singsong) No, it isn't! (normal voice) And you'll never guess who I am, Holmes—not that we've met before and you've spoiled my schemes or anything.

Holmes: Oho! We have met before, then! Let me think... I'm sure I remember you.

Grimm: I'll save you the trouble, Holmes. My name is—

Holmes: No, wait, wait! It'll spoil it if you just go and tell me. I'm Sherlock Holmes, you know. I have a certain reputation for solving problems on my own which I need to uphold.

Grimm: Oh. Terribly sorry. Should we play "20 Questions," then?

Holmes: That sounds sporting.

Watson: Oh—I've got a question! Mr. Jaywalker, are you bigger than a breadbox?

Grimm: Yes.

(The next part should be read at a rapid pace, for obvious reasons)

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: Yes.

Watson: Are you sure?

Grimm: For the 20th time, yes!

Holmes: Watson, you idiot! You've wasted all my questions!

Watson: Only trying to help.

Holmes: How can I figure this out now?

Grimm: I could just tell you—

Holmes: I told you once, that is not an option!

Grimm: Only trying to help.

Holmes: I tell you what—tell me about your life as a mad scientist—how you got started. Maybe that'll jolt my memory.

Grimm: Alright. Well, for starters, I was born when I was very, very young, and grew up during my childhood. While I was in school, I received an education, and later on I was employed at a job.

Holmes: Interesting. That certainly narrows it down. Tell me more—every little bit helps!

Grimm: At first, I was only a scientist—I became mad later on. Some people start mad and wind up as scientists, but I went to a liberal arts college.

Holmes: How did you become mad?

Grimm: It was a long, drawn-out process. Mad science runs in my family, you know.

Holmes: Oh?

Grimm: Yes. My great-uncle Felonious spent more than 400 years searching for an elixir that would grant him a greatly extended lifespan, or failing that, immortality. He never found it.

Holmes: Pity.

Grimm: Yes. During the last years of his life, he attempted an exhaustive study of male-pattern baldness and eventually came up with the theory that it was usually linked in some way to hair loss. He wrote the definitive monograph on the subject.

Holmes: Really?

Grimm: Oh, yes. "In every case," he wrote, "the men I examined who are bald, are also missing hair! I cannot get my mind around the concept." He died still searching for that link.

Holmes: I see. How did you become a researcher yourself?

Grimm: In my youth, I very idealistic. I wanted to help lift our world to a higher plane, where everyone could enjoy a life of peace and harmony—that is, y'know, without me having to work too hard at it.

Holmes: I see.

Grimm: One day, something happened which opened my eyes to the power of science to light up the lives of common men!

Holmes: What happened?

Grimm: I got my first pair of 24-hour disposable contact lenses.

Holmes: I don't follow you, Grimm.

Grimm: Well, you see, as part of my standard attire as a scientist, I had to wear thick, bulky hornrim eyeglasses. Nobody in the field would take you seriously otherwise.

Holmes: Uh-huh.

Grimm: But now, lovely convenience raised its head! Progress rolled ahead! Now, every night I could with clear conscience take my contact lenses, smash them under my heels and throw them away—because I knew I had another set to put in the next day! Whenever I did that with my eyeglasses, I was shelling out hundreds of dollars a week to replace them.

Holmes: Yes... tell me more, sir.

Grimm: A few months after that, I had my very first flash of scientific insight! I thought of a way to improve on the 24-hour lenses!

Holmes: Really?

Grimm: Yes—you see, it suddenly came to me that if 24-hour lenses were an improvement on permanent ones, then the next logical step would be lenses you had to change every ten minutes!

Holmes: Aha! And did your invention shake the foundations of society?

Grimm: Well... no. In fact, the patent office told me my idea was, and I quote, "so asinine it was an insult to the very concept of asininity."

Holmes: Oh, dear.

Grimm: The fools! I was too far ahead of my time!

Holmes: What do you mean?

Grimm: Oh, sure, I know in these modern times we take our contacts for granted. But just try to imagine it! Back then, a great shadow lay over the world. People everywhere lived their lives in darkness and squalor, forced to endure—to endure—(sobs) uncomfortable eyewear.

Holmes: (sardonic) You're right. That sounds dreadful.

Grimm: You don't sound convinced.

Holmes: Well, now really...

Grimm: Listen, Holmes, it wasn't my fault that tragedies like cholera or world war were more prestigious than having to wear thick ugly glasses with masking tape in the center.

Holmes: Now, sir—

Grimm: Every man has his own cross to bear, and if mine was, well, completely trivial next to mass starvation in Bangladesh, so be it.

Holmes: You're saying that just because your complaints were picayune and insignificant doesn't mean they weren't important.

Grimm: Um... yes. But that's not the issue here. I was entranced by the possibility of science to improve people's lives. For that brief shining moment, I looked at my future and saw that I, too, could become a great humanitarian. In those two little pieces of ground glass, Holmes, I saw the face of God.

Holmes: You should have had your prescription checked.

Grimm: Hey, you asked.

Holmes: Lestrade, aren't you going to arrest him?

Lestrade: Of course! How can we get away with the standard police brutality otherwise?

Holmes: Well, nab him then!

Lestrade: Alright, alright... Sir, come along quietly now—

Grimm: Never! I'll never be willingly carted off!

Lestrade: Sir—

Grimm: I'll show you all! I'll take my clothes off!

Lestrade: Please—this is hardly the time or place.

Watson: Yes—we should rent a hotel room first!

Holmes: Quiet, Watson. Now, sir. Be reasonable. There's nothing under your clothes anyone really needs to see.

Grimm: You're right—there's something under my clothes you need to not see! There, my coat's off. Now for the pants.

Holmes: I told you, I don't want to look at a naked man! I'm just going to avert my eyes from this whole sordid scene. Watson, keep me posted in detail.

Watson: He's changed his mind about the pants, Holmes. He's going for the shirt first. (SFX: Cloth rips) That's off. Now the bandages on his hands. (SFX: Cloth rips) Now the ones on his head. (SFX: Cloth rips) Now his shoes! (SFX: Cloth rips) Heavens, Holmes, this is incredible! (SFX: Cloth rips)

Grimm: There! My pants are off! Look! Look!

Watson: Good heavens! That's very impressive, sir.

Holmes: I can't believe I'm involved in this conversation.

Lestrade: Holmes, you were right! He's not invisible at all! He's just transparent and can't be seen!

Holmes: What are you talking about? Say—where is he?

Grimm: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Holmes: Oh, no...

Grimm: Farewell, coppers! I'm on my way across to the even-numbered side of the street—the hard way! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Watson: You fiend!

Holmes: I was wrong. He's invisible after all!

Watson: Nonsense, Holmes! You're never wrong! Not even facts can stand against your logic! I can see him, um... right around there someplace.

Lestrade: No, Watson, I think he's over by the fireplace, sort of kind of plain as day. In a way.

Grimm: It's been wonderful, gentlemen, but before I go, a little humiliation for you all. Watson—here's a poke in the belly for you.

Watson: Woo-hoo!

Grimm: And a poke in the belly for you, Lestrade!

Lestrade: Yoicks! So you're the one who's been doing that!

Holmes: Add that to his list of atrocities, Lestrade.

Grimm: And for you, Holmes—

Holmes: Where are you?

Grimm: I'll turn your deerstalker hat sideways—

Holmes: Hey!

Grimm: And then a poke in the belly for you too!

Holmes: Yike! That isn't funny, sir!

Grimm: A poke in the belly is a serious matter, Holmes—but I am a hardened criminal mastermind-slash-mad scientist! The morals of lesser men no longer apply!

Holmes: I'll get you!

Grimm: Catch me first! If you can catch me! Farewell! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (fade on laughter)

Watson: He's gone! At least, I think he's gone.

Lestrade: I don't see him anywhere.

Holmes: No, you wouldn't. He's gone. And as much as it pains me to admit it, I must—I was wrong. This villain has obviously made a tremendous scientific breakthrough. He is, for certain, an invisible man.

Watson: Good heavens! A crafty villain, who can put one over on you.

Holmes: Indeed. But I may have his Achilles heel, Watson.

Watson: What—is that part of him visible? Let me see it!

Holmes: No, no, no, no. I mean I've found his weakness. I believe I know who he is.

Watson: How's that?

Holmes: I recognized his voice! Watson, we've run across this fiend before!

Watson: We have?

Holmes: Certainly you must remember the mystery we solved together which you immortalized on paper as "The Neato-Keen Adventure of the Very Big Monster Thing"?

Watson: How could I forget? I was terribly proud of that title. Took me hours to come up with that one.

Holmes: And with good reason, I'm sure.

Watson: You mean to say we're up against the nefarious Professor Ernest Grimm?

Holmes: The very same—the man responsible for terrorizing the small village of St. Paul by creating a 15-foot-tall fanged monster that sold people life insurance!

(Flashback music—harp crescendo)

(terrified, incoherent screams of frightened townspeople)

Monster: And for just $12 a month, you get a complete no-fault package including auto, fire and act of God! But don't do it for yourself—do it for your children! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

(Harp decrescendo, or uncrescendo, or whatever the hell you call it)

Lestrade: Brrr.... What a terrifying night that was. The townspeople were so scared that even to this day, the downtown area is completely deserted at night.

Watson: Thank god this is merely a fictional story.

Lestrade: Wasn't Professor Grimm also behind that mind-reading scheme?

Holmes: Yes, that's right—he was convinced that there were other kinds of ESP than mental telepathy.

Watson: Were there, Holmes?

Holmes: Grimm felt that he was about to unlock the secret of nasal telepathy—a black science that would enable him to read not the minds, but the noses of everyone around him!

Lestrade: Thank heaven he was stopped! With an invention like that, a man could rule the world!

Holmes: Yes, on that day, luck was with us. But we've got a bigger problem now, Lestrade—Professor Grimm, the Invisble Jaywalker of Iping Village, is poised to destroy England! (pause) How exactly a jaywalker could do that I'm not sure, but we can figure that out later.

Lestrade: How can we stop him?

Holmes: I've got an idea, Lestrade. I'm going to make myself invisible and fight this enemy on his own terms!

Lestrade: How are you going to do that, Holmes?

Watson: Yes, Holmes. You said such a thing was scientifically impossible.

Holmes: True. It is against the laws of science. But if I can make the people around here simply believe that I am invisible... well, that's something else again, isn't it?

Lestrade: I don't understand.

Holmes: I'm going to use mass hypnotism.

Lestrade: Hypnotism?

Holmes: Yes. I'll try it first on the two of you. Concentrate now, Watson, Lestrade. Your eyelids are getting heavy...

Lestrade: I feel... strange.

Watson: I'm... getting... sleepy.

Holmes: Concentrate! By the power of suggestion, I am impressing you to believe that I am as transparent as glass.

Watson: I'm concentrating... I'm squinting my eyes... Oh, dear. Holmes, you may as well stop. It's not working.

Lestrade: Ha! Those silly deductive smart-person things fail you again, Holmes!

Holmes: (sighs) Very well. If mental suggestion won't work, I'll try mallet suggestion.

Lestrade: What?

Holmes: Mallet suggestion, I said.

Watson: What's that?

Holmes: It's very simple. Both of you hold still while I hit you with this mallet.

(SFX: Two bonks)

Watson: Good heavens! That smarts!

Lestrade: Ouch! (pause) Say! I think you've cured my chronic migraine!

Watson: Say—where's Holmes?

Lestrade: By thunder, he's disappeared!

Watson: I say!

Holmes: Aha! It worked! I have not disappeared, gentlemen—I'm still standing right here!

Watson: Where could he have gone?

Lestrade: Leave it to that detective to go running scared into the woods just when things get tough.

Holmes: I'm not gone, Lestrade.

Lestrade: Watson, look under that rosebush. Perhaps he's in there. I'll check between the pages of the telephone directory.

Holmes: You bloody fool, I'm right here! (pause) Oh. I see. You two can't hear me, can you? I've become invisible and inaudible.

Watson: I'm going inside to see if he might be inside the refrigerator, or perhaps one of the wastebaskets.

Holmes: Very well, I'll hit you again... Perhaps not quite so hard, much as I'd like to...

(SFX: Two bonks)

Holmes: Can you hear me, gentlemen?

Lestrade: Holmes? Where are you?

Holmes: I'm invisible to you, Lestrade.

Lestrade: Why, the bloody cheek of you civilians! Always stepping over the line of accepted police practice!

Holmes: Oh, keep your shirt on, inspector. I'm about to solve the case.

Lestrade: How?

Watson: Yes, Holmes. I don't understand. How will your being invisible help you catch another invisible man?

Holmes: I told you I had his weakness—now that I know Professor Grimm's identity, I know how he's likely to behave!

Lestrade: Eh?

Holmes: Look—we know that Grimm loves nothing more than to gloat when his schemes are going well, right?

Lestrade: Yes.

Holmes: Well, he's on foot, so he can't be far away. And I suspect that Grimm doesn't even want to be far away, as long as we're still here.

Watson: Why?

Holmes: I'm almost certain that he's on the street just in front of this house, jaywalking back and forth and waiting for us to come out. You see, he's the kind of person who enjoys being able to break a law right under a police officer's nose.

Lestrade: Why, the little—Let me look outside! (SFX: Curtains) No, you were wrong, Holmes. I don't see anyone there!

Holmes: You see! He's getting away with it even now!

Watson: Well, even if he is out there—which I'm not willing to admit, since the street seems deserted to me—how are you going to catch him?

Holmes: Consider this—if we're both invisible, and I can't see him crossing the street, then it follows that he cannot see me crossing the street either.

Watson: I think I see, Holmes. You're going to beat him at his own game!

Holmes: Correct. If we both cross and recross the same stretch of road hundreds of times, we're bound to bump into each other eventually. When we do, I'll be ready. I'll grab him tight and scream bloody murder.

Watson: Why would you scream that? His crime is jaywalking, not homicide.

Lestrade: Holmes, I'm not sure I like your plan. It seems rather unethical.

Holmes: Eh?

Lestrade: Well, if you have to commit jaywalking yourself to catch Professor Grimm, doesn't that put you on the same moral plane as him? Two wrongs don't make a right.

Holmes: Hm. True. Do you have a better idea?

Lestrade: Yes. We'll arm three of my sergeants with machine guns, and strafe the street until the gutters run red with invisible blood.

Holmes: There's no time for that.

Lestrade: But—

Holmes: Sometimes, Lestrade, a man has to do things he doesn't like to achieve a greater good! Stopping crime has always been filled with moral gray areas, and this, I'm afraid, is one of them.

Lestrade: Well... OK. But don't blame me for the harmful effects on our impressionable youth.

Holmes: Objection noted. You're a man of principle, Lestrade, and I respect that. Both of you, follow me out to the street and we'll put this plan in motion. But I implore you—Grimm may be listening, so don't say anything that might tip him off.

Watson: Ah—you can't beat this for sheer drama—two men metaphorically locking horns in metaphorical single combat.

Lestrade: It's like a fencing match without swords!

Watson: It's like a boxing match without gloves, or Don King!

Lestrade: It's like a bullfight with no bull!

Watson: Don't be silly, man—this whole story is full of bull.

Lestrade: True... And one could see the repeated illegal street-crossings as an existential symbol of man's inevitable fate in a universe that constantly works against him!

Watson: My god—It's so Sartrian! Or like Don Knotts.

Holmes: Yessss.... Let's go.

(SFX: 3 sets of footprints walk. Door closes, street noise, footsteps stop. We can hear Grimm's footsteps rising and fading as he paces back and forth.)

Holmes: (whisper) Hear those footsteps? I was right! He's still here, flagrantly being an outlaw. But he won't have counted on this!

Lestrade: Good luck, Holmes.

(SFX: Holmes' steps join Grimm's. Khachaturian's "Sabre Dance" starts up, and continues as we milk the sheer drama of two guys walking across the street. Will Grimm escape? Can Holmes put a stop to his evil? This goes on for a good thirty seconds at least, and then we stop the music and go on to the next line to find out.)

Holmes: Oof!

Grimm: Oh—excuse me! I was so engrossed by my thoughts that I didn't see you walking there.

Holmes: That's quite alright.

Grimm: Say—where are you?

Holmes: Right here!

Grimm: That voice—It's Holmes! And you're invisible too!

Holmes: Got you!

Grimm: Curses! Foiled again!

Holmes: I've got him, Watson!

Lestrade: Did you hear that, Watson?

Watson: Yes... But I don't think it was Holmes. He said he was going to scream "bloody murder," and I distinctly heard "I've got him, Watson" instead.

Holmes: Watson, you idiot! Get your pistol and get over here.

Lestrade: Was that him?

Watson: Similar voice... but no, I can't be sure.

Holmes: Oh, alright... Bloody murder!

Watson: Holmes! What took you so long?

Holmes: Never mind that. Lestrade—do you have handcuffs?

Lestrade: Yes, right here... hmm... No, sorry, Holmes. I forgot them at Scotland Yard.

Holmes: Drat.

Watson: I have some, Holmes! I bought them this morning as a gift for Mrs. Watson.

Holmes: Excellent. Now that I have Professor Grimm subdued, just find his arms by touch and then snap them on his wrists.

(SFX: Handcuff snap)

Grimm: My plot... My fiendish plot is ruined!

Lestrade: But we still have plenty of unanswered questions.

Watson: Oh! I've got one!

S: Shut up, Watson.

Watson: Sorry.

Lestrade: How did you make yourself invisible, Professor?

Grimm: You forget—I made tremendous advances in the science of optics.

Holmes: Your work with contact lenses.

Grimm: Indeed. I created a special kind of contact lens, which would block out certain light patterns from reaching the optic nerve, and thus the brain. Thus, even though that object would still be physically present, anyone wearing the lenses would be unable to see its image.

Lestrade: Crafty!

Grimm: Thank you. I designed one which would block out my own features. Unfortunately, it necessitated that I go around naked, since if I wore a different set of clothes, my garments would be visible.

Lestrade: Shrewd!

Grimm: Thank you. Actually, that part wasn't a problem at all. I've always enjoyed walking down busy public streets in the buff. Gives you a tingly feeling.

Watson: Yes. I've done it many times myself.

Holmes: So you had a special lens.

Grimm: Yes. And I manufactured hundreds of thousands of them in my small basement laboratory—

Lestrade: Wily!

Grimm: And I secretly planted a pair of them in the eyes of each and every person in London!

Watson: Well, that explanation certainly seems plausible, Holmes.

Grimm: Say, Holmes, look—your shoes are untied.

Holmes: They are? No, they're not.

Watson: It's a trick, Holmes!

Holmes: Ooof!

Lestrade: Ha ha ha! I am free again! You'll never catch me now!

Holmes: Shoot him, Lestrade! He's about to jaywalk again!

(SFX: Two gunshots)

Grimm: (wounded) Argh—you got me, Holmes... fair and square.

Watson: Those bullet wounds look pretty bad, Holmes. Do you think he'll survive?

Holmes: I fear not, Watson. See how the spark of life fades from his eyes even as we speak.

Grimm: Argh...

Holmes: You see, Watson, it's true what Randy Newman said.

Watson: What's that, Holmes?

Holmes: Shot people got no reason to live.

Lestrade: Watch it, Holmes. I can have you arrested for puns like that.

Holmes: No court could convict me, Lestrade—I'm a fictional character!

Lestrade: Ain't we all.

Grimm: (gargly dying voice) Aaargh.. I deserve better than this... to die like this... I was building a house.

Holmes: Forget it, Grimm—your crimes will remain unforgiven.

Grimm: I had plans... I was going to be the first person to jaywalk across the Antarctic....

Holmes: Oh, cry me a river, Grimm. You think I don't have unfulfilled dreams? I wanted to be the greatest detective on earth. And did it happen?

Grimm: Well... yes, it did.

Holmes: Alright, yes, it did. But it didn't ease the pain in my heart!

Watson: Holmes, how terribly lonely for you! Heavy hangs the head that wears the crown.

Grimm: Holmes.. I'm dying. Please shut up. I'll see you in hell. But you won't... see me... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... aaaarrrrggh.

Watson: He's dead, Holmes.

Lestrade: What should we do with the body?

Holmes: Oh, let's just leave it here. Out of sight, out of mind.

Lestrade: Fair enough! I declare this case closed and solved.

Holmes: Excellent. Well, we should be getting back to Baker Street.

Lestrade: A pleasure working with you again, Holmes.

Holmes: And you as well.

Lestrade: It's not far back to Scotland Yard. I think I'll just walk from here. Good day, gentlemen!

Watson: Farewell, Lestrade!

Holmes: Lestrade! Look both ways before you cross—

(SFX: Tires screech, crash, Lestrade screams)

Watson: Good heavens! How awful! But perhaps that's an instructive moral lesson for any children listening at home.

Holmes: Mmmm... Come, Watson. We'll celebrate a well-solved case. I shall buy you ... (portentously) an ice cream.

Watson: Bully!